UnNews:God Busy Uploading New Instructions To Herman Cain
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God Busy Uploading New Instructions To Herman Cain
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 22:06:UTC)(
14 November 2011
Heavens -- The creator of the entire universe has been focusing incredible omnipotent power on the outcome of the presidential race, even more so this year as repeated attempts to get Herman Cain to run for office were met with skepticism and outright denial by the mortal. God took some time to lament to our reporting staff via schizophrenic delusion.
"I think I'm losing my touch, " God admitted, "Back in the day, say, with Joan of Arc for example, there really wasn't any convincing at all you know? All I had to do is show up, make a couple of suggestions and she was leading the French Army in no time. With Herman, it's a whole other story. I have this great plan for him to assume the helm of the USA and he's in disbelief, even shock. It took years to convince that man and even still he'd keep bugging me all the time asking if I was sure. Now recently he's gone public with his destiny and I was hoping for some peace, but instead I'm still dealing with his doubts. So sorry if I haven't been in touch lately. If you're in close proximity to Herman Cain, please try to remind him for me that I'm serious. It will ease my workload a little as there's also a potential supernova in your galactic neighborhood that I'm dealing with when I'm not in divine communication with Herman. Thank you."
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