Goats boycott Sony in slaying protest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, November 29, 2015, 07:00:UTC)(
30 April 2007
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MEADOWS, pastures, and farms all across the country went into collective uproar yesterday over the grotesque slaying of Sheila, a secretary employed (and subsequently killed by) entertainment giant Sony. A 10-year-old Kiko goat from Rhinelander, Wisconsin, Sheila had worked as a receptionist in Sony's department of Research and Development for over 3 years. The ritualistic slaughter took place early Sunday evening as part of a launch party for Sony's new Playstation release Goat of War, a game in which players participate in simulated battles, often pitted against armor-clad livestock.
"This outrage will not be tolerated!" proclaimed Ginger, spokesgoat for the National Assembly of Trained Farm Animals (NATFA). The group has already began a media snowstorm, including public torchings of PS3s and VAIO laptops. All-goat picket lines blocked traffic for hours outside of Sony's corporate headquarters this morning, with chanting slogans like WHICH GOAT'S NEXT? and GOATS OF WAR, AT YOUR DOOR!. Sony CEO Howard Stringer was unmoved by the group's actions: "Goats can't talk," he commented, watching the demonstration from his 57th floor corner office window.
Betty, a homemaker and mother of two kids, is still infuriated with Sony's brutal deed. She claims that "...besides the usual tin cans and car parts, this Christmas my boys will be eating X-Boxes exclusively."
The killing, a central feature billed as part of a week long Pagan Office Orgy, shocked a number of Sony employees. Ralph Kinder, a top-level researcher at the company nearly fainted when he saw the display. "I couldn't believe it" Kinder states in a still-shocked whisper. "I'm drinking, having a good time, and then suddenly... Jeff from Accounts Payable is eating my secretary!"
NATFA, in conjunction with species able to operate advanced computing devices, has launched a web campaign to expose Sony's injustices. Spokesgoat Ginger claims "Though only a small percentage of goats own computers now, the number of internet-enabled farm animals is rapidly increasing, which is a good sign for our cause. Innocent animals should not feel as if their lives are endangered by simply going into work each day."
The Reverend Al Sharpton has offered to serve as an impartial mediator between NATFA and several Sony general assistants, commenting that he was prepared to morally support whichever side "paid the most." "I'm no bigot...or in this case, I'm no speciest" proclaimed Sharpton "I don't make decisions based on race, color, gender, family or phylum. I follow one color: green" He did however acknowledged that Sheila looked "pretty good" and "probably went well with a little mint jelly." Sharpton added that he thought a private conference with Ginger might prove helpful. He went on to say "I am flexible. There are a number of viable payment options available, with installment plans available" Sharpton said while eyeing Ginger's legs.
Animal rights group PETA offered support in NATFA's mission. This support was respectfully declined.