UnNews:Goal sparks soccer riot
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Goal sparks soccer riot
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 13:20:UTC)(
6 October 2011
The match started in an enthralling scoreless fashion as both teams took to the field to kick the ball amongst themselves and argue the merits of the International Confederation of Free Trade Unions with the referee. However, disaster struck in the twenty-seventh minute of the match when the players, who were busy occupying themselves by pulling their shirts over their heads and mimicking aeroplanes, failed to notice the ball trickling into the net at the other end of the field. According to the laws of the game, this meant the referee had no option but to award one score point to the total score points for F.C. Barcelona, denying the crowd their preferred outcome of a scoreless stalemate.
Incensed fans, enraged by the waft of lavender emanating from a nearby potpourri factory, raided the pitch, indiscriminately attacking the referees, players, and fellow rioters smaller than themselves.
The violence quickly escalated from harmless noggin’ and bollock bashing to the use of weapons such as broken chairs, iron bars and Ninja shurikens. Eventually, riot police had to be called in to curtail the rising incidents of foul language. Police are expected to charge several hundred spectators with ‘assault and affray’, and several thousand more with ‘urinating in a public place without a permit’.
Order was briefly restored in the thirty-forth minute of the match when a wayward haymaker thrown by a drunken Englishman knocked the ball into the Manchester United goal area. This advanced their score to a number equal to that of F.C. Barcelona and play was resumed once the unconscious bodies were dragged off the field and into a nearby drainage pit. Sadly, a poor exhibition of football led to several more scores and the commencement of further rioting.
The low point in the match came towards the end when, in a daring raid not seen since the sixteenth century, several F.C. Barcelona players ransacked the Queen's private tea ceremony, making off with a large decorative silverware cup. A brigade of British Royal Soldiers made an attempt to recover the cup. None survived.
At FIFA headquarters in the aftermath of the riots, FIFA President Sepp Blatter called for goal line technology to be implemented to prevent the further scoring of goals. "We should implement goal line technology to prevent the further scoring of goals," claimed a sycophantic drunken soccer thug when approached by security guards. A leaked memo from the boardroom was illegible due to water damage however some ideas raised were the possibility of building brick walls in front of the nets or only allowing goals to be scored on a ‘highest bribe auction system.’
English Prime Minister Winston Churchill was unavailable for comment due to his ongoing battle with Necrosis; however FA President, Prince Willy was quoted as saying, "Goals are a constant blight on the great game I love and cherish, and one day hope to have children with." No further questions were asked.
- Phil McNutty "Sports team loses at sport due to lack of sports ability.Sport.". BBC, May 28th, 2001