|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
15 December 2007
MONKEY GROIN, Kansas -- For this holiday season, instead of an Xbox, DVD player, Tickle-Me-Larry Craig or Cruise Missile launcher, why don't you give your loved ones a gift that they will cherish for their rest of their life: a cat which glows in the dark? "Really, what a better way to say to you and your family that you love them than to give them a cat which glows in the dark?" said a Wal-Mart representative as she held up a cute, furry kitten glowing an eerily green color similar to that of nuclear waste, "Would you children still love you if you bought them a regular kitten as opposed to one which has been genetically engineered to glow red? For this Christmas, 'nothing says lovin' like something furrying and glowin'.'"
Customers seem to agree, and despite the $120 price tag required to purchase a fluorescent kitten as opposed to the $20 to buy a trap to catch feral cats, the fluorescent cats are flying off the shelves. "I was going out to shop for a night light and a new cat to replace the old one which I accidentally ran over with my car," a man in a store said, "with this way I can kill two birds with one stone, and also tell my daughter that when our cat went 'missing' she had escaped and hid inside a nuclear reactor for the past 2 weeks." Indeed, sales of glow-in-the-dark kittens have been brisk and is fast becoming a classic Christmas toy, such as that red thing which I forgot the name of and that furry thing with the creepy voice that I also forgot the name of.
Scientists have genetically engineered luminescent animals for two decades, creating mice, rats, pigs, and even fireflies which glow in the dark, so creating a kitten which has a nose glowing bright red like that of a drunken sailor have been on the cards for decades. However, in this particular case it was a failed attempt at fusion cuisine which produced this novelty pet. Glow-in-the-dark animals are created by inserting jellyfish genes into the animal. Since both cats and jellyfish are popular ingredients in Asian cuisine, scientists were trying to create a new dish by splicing the genomes of jellyfish and cat together, hoping to create something which tasted like both cat and jellyfish. "Who knew that when you mix together jellyfish and cat you get something which taste like dog meat?" said a Chinese chef form an unnamed restaurant, "Not that I would know that from personal experience."
Despite the fact that the jellyfish/cat hybrid was a culinary disaster, it was a success for the American market, which finds glow-in-the-dark kitten to be the perfect gift for that special someone who has everything already. "Who doesn't like to cuddle up to something cute as a kitten," the same Wal-Mart representative says, "especially at the same time you could use it as a reading lamp?"
Animal welfare organizations are not as ecstatic about the bioluminescent kittens, however. "This rash shopping frenzy will ultimately result in the flooding of animal pounds with glow-in-the-dark kittens," says the spokesman for the San Francisco SPCA, "this would obviously cut down on the lighting bill of our facilities, but it would definitely be deleterious to the welfare of the animals." However, it is understood that such statements come from unpatriotic communists who want to destroy our country and way of life by wrecking the very economic engine which have been so powerful in sucking all the labor from the poor and give it to the rich, so his comments can be disregarded. So for this holiday season do your relatives and the American economy a favor by buying into this latest fad.