UnNews:Global warming to end some species (maybe)
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Global warming to end some species (maybe)
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 06:57:UTC)(
2 April 2007
NEW YAWK - According to some scientists, global warming may result in the end of some endangered species. Other scientists say that such a prediction is unlikely because global warming is not taking place--at least, not on planet Earth.
Those scientists who contend that the Earth is roasting identify such species as the cockroach, the rat, the scorpion, the toad, the slug, the spider, the gnat, and the rattlesnake as being among the “sizeable group of non-survivors,” Dr. Penelope Peters told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies.
“Changes are starting to affect physical organisms and biological systems all over the planet,” Peters declared. “We’re entering a significant-to-critical period in the planet’s climatic evolution that is going to be problematic for many species. Already, it is becoming difficult to barbecue in some of the southern states, and, in tropical countries, it’s no longer advisable to sunbathe in the nude without ample sunscreen and sunglasses.”
Dr. Margaret Meade Fenton agreed with her colleague’s assessment, especially concerning nude sunbathing, noting that “sunlight, or ultraviolet radiation, as we like to think of it in scientific circles, is likely to be extremely hazardous to such sensitive body parts--breasts, pubic regions, and buttocks.”
Those in the scientific community who believe in global warming argue that it’s primary causes are belching and “breaking wind" (i. e. farting), although automobile emissions and “greenhouse gases” are also contributing to the phenomenon, they say.
“Before long, polar bears will be living in Panama,” Dr. Seymour Butts prophesied, “and parrots will be nesting in burning treetops.”
Other possible candidates for extinction due to global warming, Fenton said, “are mosquitoes, hornets, and mothers-in-law.”
The Association of Scientists Who Believe in Global Warming distributed cautionary statements worldwide, warning of the “fact” that global temperatures have increased by as much as .0009918873254 of a degree during “the past half-century alone.” The group suggested that such “an extreme increase in temperature,” if left unchecked, could cause even greater destruction to the planet and its species than was previously believed. “We could lose the crab louse,” an anonymous article in their newsletter warned.
Ticks have already invaded Sweden, where the low temperatures of the frozen north would once have discouraged the insect’s migration. “I went for a walk in Stockholm,” Marja Lodin related, “and one of the little buggers jumped me, lodging inside my anus. As a result, I developed a fever, fatigue, and a skin rash. I may have Lyme disease!”
“That sounds far-fetched," Peters quipped, upon learning of Lodin's experience. "If it was a little bugger, she must have been in London.”
In Senegal, villagers search an area the size of Connecticut for dimb trees, from which they pick dimbs to make dimbberry stew, jam, jelly, and other foods to preserve for the winter, “but we couldn’t find a single tree or even a single dimb,” Chief Muvva complained.
Scientists who believe in global warming attribute the loss of the dimb trees to the .0000061715436-degree temperature change they claim has occurred in and around Senegal (and the rest of the Dark Continent) over the last 100,000,000 years. “Fruit trees can’t stand such extreme temperature changes, Fenton explained, “especially when they’re as abrupt and unexpected as this one.”
Fortunately, scientists who believe in global warming have the solutions to what they claim is the worldwide problem: “Stop belching and farting. It’s impolite,” Fenton observed, “and, almost as bad, it’s killing our planet.”
Scientists who disbelieve in global warming offered another solution: “Do nothing. There’s no need to stop eating, stop bathing or sunbathing, nude or otherwise, or, for that matter, to stop burping and passing methane.”