UnNews:Global warming satellite failure
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Global warming satellite failure
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 05:24:UTC)(
5 March 2011
Vandenberg, California: For the second time in two years, NASA has been thwarted in its attempts to launch a satellite which, if successfully deployed, would accurately measure atmospheric temperatures and carbon levels.
In both cases the loss of the satellite stemmed-from an inexplicable failure of the rocket's fairing to separate. This fairing is necessary to protect the delicate parts of the satellite from the supersonic airflow around the rocket as it accelerates through the lower atmosphere. However, as the fairing represents a considerable additional weight, it is standard practice to jettison it once the rocket is in space. If the fairing should fail to jettison then the satellite is trapped inside and cannot be deployed. The additional weight may also result in the vehicle failing to reach orbit.
A NASA engineer commented, "I can't understand it. We sent the jettison signal several times, but the fairing just wouldn't come off. It was like it was being held there by something, something very tough but a bit stretchy since on the remote camera we could see it opening just a bit then snapping back closed. Besides, we've used this particular design of fairing on dozens of launches, and it's never stuck before. This launch, because of the trouble with the last one, we tested the release mechanism over a hundred times on the ground, and it worked perfectly every time."
An examination of launch-site camera footage has revealed a foreign object in the form of a thin, flexible loose object flapping-around to the side of the rocket's nose cone. As the rocket accelerated this foreign object's length appeared to increase somewhat. An anomalous white mass of some kind was also observed around the junction between the second stage and the nose fairing. It is speculated that these anomalous items might have been connected-with the fairing problems in some way or other, though their exact role in the failure-sequence is as yet unknown.
The design of these satellites has in any case met with heavy criticism from the Warmist camp, who have claimed that the instruments onboard, "Cannot by their nature and design provide an accurate, hockey-stick graph of temperatures."
An offer made by a group of Warmist scientists to, "Make the necessary adjustments to the satellite's temperature sensors, so as to ensure the accuracy of accepted climate models" was rejected by NASA, and the sensors instead calibrated against the recognized international standards.Our space correspondent has been informed that shortly before the launch date, a group of Deniers had approached the satellite's builders, and raised questions about whether the carbon measurements would properly take into account to contributions from sunspots, volcanoes and BBQs. When no definite answer was forthcoming, the Deniers had threatened to block the rocket transporter's route to the pad with their SUVs. When it was pointed out that the three thousand ton transporter would simply flatten the SUVs without even slowing from its ponderous 3mph pace, they changed their minds about that.
Following the failed launch, security staff reported finding a cylindrical cardboard object on the topmost platform of the launch tower, which would have been adjacent to the rocket's nose. This object bore the words, "Ultra-grip ducting materials." On a lower platform next to the adaptor-ring which attaches the satellite to the rocket, the same team also found an empty cartridge bearing the wording, "Siltastic: Incredibly tough stuff." Interestingly, a forensic inspection of these two items suggests that they were bought at two different building-supplies merchants on opposite sides of town, and were handled by two individuals with quite distinct fingerprints.
In response to these findings, a very incensed Warmist spokesperson ranted, "How dare anyone suggest that we would attempt to prevent these launches, or to hide or prevent the collection of accurate, reliable climate data! Let me ask you, when have you ever heard of a Warmist trying to hide or distort the truth?"
Meanwhile, when the Deniers were asked if they had anything to do with either of the suspicious objects found.. they denied it, claiming that it was self-evidently a conspiracy.
We would like to offer our sympathy to all those who spent months or years of work on the projects in question, only to see their work end-up in the ocean less than three minutes later. It must be heartrending to see this happen.