UnNews:Global warming an act of God, not man, religious leaders say
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Global warming an act of God, not man, religious leaders say
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 05:35:UTC)(
11 July 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
SANTEE, CA - Scientists at the prestigious Institute for Creation Science in Santee, California, completing a decades-long study of global climate, have determined that global warming is an actual phenomenon. However, according to their findings, the process, which has been going on for millennia, is not a man-made catastrophe, but an act of God. More specifically, they assert, global warming is an act of divine judgment that could destroy all humanity, along with the planet itself.
Dr. Albert Hall told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies that “this is the flood, all over again, except in extremely slow-motion and without the water.” In his opinion, God is heating up the Earth’s atmosphere at the rate of approximately one degree Fahrenheit per year in order to give people “ample opportunity to consider their evil ways and to repent of their wickedness before it’s too late.”
It is difficult for human beings to breathe or otherwise function once the ambient temperature climbs past 130 degrees Fahrenheit, Dr. Hall said, “so God has given us somewhere around 30 to 100 years, depending on what part of the world a person lives in and whether or not he or she is financially and physically able to relocate, to repent of our sins before he burns the whole shithouse down.”
Televangelist and religious fanatic Pat Robertson agreed with Dr. Hall’s assessment. “Liberals and other idiots are always talking about utopia, about creating heaven on earth, through their own efforts, of course. Global warming, as God’s handiwork, is saying just the opposite--that it will be hell on earth, and that he will be the one who brings it.”
Asked if he had anything else to say, Robertson said, “Repent our your sins, and turn to Jesus or start an asbestos wardrobe.”
Now that religious leaders are contending that global warming is a divine phenomenon, some scientists are reconsidering their views on the subject.
Dr. Hyde Parkinson-Bowers, of the University of Climatologic Studies at Peoria said, “Maybe we were a little hasty in developing the global warming theory. After all, the temperature of the whole globe has risen by only one degree in the past 100 years.”
Dr. Ima Phoole, of the University of Chicago at Illinois, also expressed some reservations about the reality of global warming. “When we thought it was people who were heating things up, the idea seemed not only likely but also self-evident. Now that God is alleged to be behind it, the whole thing seems highly dubious. I think the scientific community must take another, much harder look at the so-called global warming phenomenon.”
Dr. Carl Rogers, professor emeritus of Global Warming at Harvard University, has gone even further in repudiating the supposed reality of global warming, insisting that "the whole notion is unscientific.”
Meanwhile, according to government officials, the temperature has increased another 1/365th of a degree Fahrenheit.
- Lotta Lies "Global warming ushers in hell on earth, religious leaders say". Instant News, 12 seconds ago