UnNews:Global Warming rapes woman
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Global Warming rapes woman
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 26, 2016, 13:51:UTC)(
6 October 2006
DAYTONA BEACH, FL- Daytona resident Jade Crumb today told the horrible story of her rape ordeal at the hands of Global Warming. Crumb, at an emotional press conference today, vowed to "try to move on", and, as a religious woman, asked the local community to forgive Global Warming for his misdeeds.
Ms. Crumb was attacked late wednesday evening as she walked home from her local McDonalds outlet. Crumb has described Global Warming to be a 'savage', dragging her into a nearby alley where he beat her with a blunt weapon before violating her. A neighbor of Ms. Crumb, 14 year old Dennis John B remarked; "I'm not surprised this has happened. This is a really bad area, and she's is totally hot. Like, man."
This news comes in the shadow of Al Gore's recent anti-Global Warming speech at the Orlando convention center. Joined by several friends, Gore called for all nations to stop Global Warming "before it is too late". Global Warming is still evading police capture.