UnNews:Glastonbury crowd stockpiling urine for Kanye
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Glastonbury crowd stockpiling urine for Kanye
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 04:50:UTC)(
27 June 2015
GLASTONBURY, England -- Festival attendees have been bottling and stockpiling vast quantities of their own liquid waste in anticipation of tonight's Pyramid Stage performance by Kanye Lyrical-Genius-Voice-of-a-Generation-West. As pictured, some entrepreneurs have set up pop-up stalls selling pre-bottled piss at £2 per litre for those who have been unwilling or unable to save their own. "It's ideal for me really", said Dirk Birdworld, 27 "I want nothing more than to see that arrogant tool soaked in warm wee, but frankly I wouldn't waste the contents of my bladder on him. For a litre, it's the best two pounds I've spent so far at the festival".
Others have been adopting more extreme measures. Jonathan Prepuce, 21, said "I've been attempting to consume several times my own body mass in water for the last 48 hours, holding it in by the tried-and-tested method of clipping a clothespeg to my foreskin. I'm just about ready to pop now, so I'm gonna start with my 5-litre plastic barrel".
Lyrical-Genius-Voice-of-a-Generation-West's appearance has courted its fair share of controversy, with over 134,000 people signing a petition objecting to his booking. Lyrical-Genius-Voice-of-a-Generation-West could have the last laugh though, if he walks away tonight with the coveted Guinness Book of Records title for "Largest volume of human liquid secretions thrown at a singer, musician or actor". When approached for comment, Lyrical-Genius-Voice-of-a-Generation-West interrupted our reporter halfway through her question to say "I'm happy for you, and imma let you finish, but The Mars Volta had one of the best piss-bottling incidents of the past 10 years". Taylor Swift was unavailable for comment.
Reports have also recently come in that the local asparagus trade has received a welcome financial boost, due to a widely held belief that eating asparagus "makes your wee smell a bit funny".
- BBC News "Glastonbury set for Kanye West show", June 27, 2015