UnNews:Gingers are gathering and plotting world domination
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Gingers are gathering and plotting world domination
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, November 29, 2015, 01:49:UTC)(
9 September 2009
- If you get freaked out by being confronted with just one ginger, imagine what a traumatic experience the gathering of 3,000 gingers would be. You better prepare yourself, because as we speak your worst nightmare is becoming reality in the Dutch municipality of Breda.
- One of our resident UnNews reporters went undercover to get to the bottom of this evil plot.
Breda, Netherlands - As I mingled with the crowd, my hair dyed in some ugly reddish colour, a loud noise suddenly grasped my attention. A crane was rising above the sea of gingers, with some blonde guy on it. Apparently, he was the Dutch painter that set up this whole operation. He spoke to his empire of redheads and instructed them to wave at the twenty or so photographers and cameramen. In reality, these "cameras" were of course cleverly disguised brainwashing machines, used to awaken their ginger supremacist ideology in their evil brains.
For its founder, Bart Rouwenhorst, the blonde guy I mentioned earlier, it is the pinnacle of his efforts to deify the ginger freaks that walk among us. A ruthless dictator by day, Rouwenhorst is also an acclaimed painter and it's this artistic sideline which first awoke his interest in those of pale skin and carrot hair.
Finding himself drawn to the supposed aesthetic qualities of redheads, he advertised for 15 ginger models - only to be deluged with desperate e-mail responses. The 15 turned into 1500, whom he all photographed. But when many of those who didn't get selected voiced their disappointment and severely damaged ego, Rouwenhorst decided to make an annual event of the redhead gathering.
Five years on, Redhead Day has become a huge festival for ginger worshipping cults, overtaking the Low Countries for one weekend every September, all under the watchful eye of leader Rouwenhorst.
|Of course, part of the problem with redheads is that there aren't enough of them. They make up just two percent of the population. So they're pretty extraordinary. Redheads are too numerous to be ignored, too rare to be accepted.|
A portion of "normal people" also attended this "amber spectacle". An estimated 7,000 non-redheads were also entranced by the ginger hype that swept over the Netherlands. Their hair was of course forcibly painted red. What else would you expect from these ginger nazis?
But after a while I started to notice something very weird. I was seeing increasingly less non-redheads at the event and increasingly more real gingers. Like, they were gingerifying the non-redheads, or something.
Walking round the city, I noticed a suspicious looking building. It was made to look like a barbershop, but I knew there was more going on. I went inside to investigate, only to be instantly surrounded by a flock of gingers. They were everywhere! And they were getting closer! That's when I blacked out.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to wash this repulsive colour out off my hair.
A few minutes later...
IT WON'T COME OFF!!!
Weird how that microphone spontaneously appeared in front of me.
Wait. Since when did I have girl parts?