UnNews:Ginger family to be executed
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Ginger family to be executed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 23:17 (UTC)
9 June 2007
Manchester, UK-- A family from England has been sentenced to "death by being-thrown-over-a-hedge", after being found guilty of being ginger, it was revealed yesterday. The family, from Newcastle Upon Tyne, had been dodging vigilante groups for two years and had moved house twice in a bid to evade capture.
The family was eventually spotted by an 8 year old boy who reported to his parents that he saw "a fire in the bushes opposite their house". Fire crews quickly arrived on the scene, but were shocked to discover that the fire was actually a ginger family. Armed Response teams were immediately dispatched and the family were quickly rounded up, with only one officer being injured with third degree burns.
The execution of the ginger family marks the first documented use of Capital Punishment in Britain since Peter Anthony Allen and Gwynne Owen Evans were executed in 1964 for the murder of John Alan West
Kevin Chapman, the father of the family, has been caught repeatedly in the past and has been "punched and kicked" in the past by vigilante groups.
Being Ginger became illegal in 2001 when Newcastle City Council decided that instead of it being immigrants or the disabled who were responsible for the lack of brown ale in the city, it was the "dirty fucking gingers". It is believed this was influenced by long-time Geordie Idol Alan Shearer.
The execution is expected to take place in August, and will coincide with the the new season of the FA Premier League, which is a very important part of Newcastle Culture. The execution will take place by throwing the family, one at a time, over a hedge into a crowd of angry geordies.
When asked for a quote on the matter, one geordie responded "WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO YOU DAFT POOFTER? I'LL FUCKING KNOCK YOU THE SHIT OUT YOU DAFT CUNT, HEY WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, GET BACK HERE SO I CAN REMOVE YOUR STOMACH THROUGH YOUR THROAT YOU SKINNY LITTLE SHIT." Tony Blair stated 'the 8 year old shall be awarded his first dildo of bravery, it has come to my attention more gingers are immigrating to our pure blooded country its about time they were brought forward, raped and burned.'
No further comments were able to be obtained as two of our news team were then glassed by a mob of locals.