UnNews:Gibbs to bring Obama approach to McDonald's

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Gibbs to bring Obama approach to McDonald's

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11 June 2015

Hors d'oeuvres

Not appetizing? Perhaps the customer is the problem.

PALATINE, Illinois -- Former Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs explained his new career as chief spokesman and senior policymaker for McDonald's as a chance to apply the same solutions to a new challenge.

Though many in talk radio have described Mr. Gibbs' career change as the kiss of death for the American icon, Mr. Gibbs confessed that his friends in the beltway could neither understand his move to the infamous merchant of Death by Secret Sauce.

McDonald's has seen its profits flag as trendier, upscale chains like Chipotle emerge, just as Mr. Gibbs' former bailiwick, the United States of America, languishes under a persistent and inexplicable National Malaise. But Mr. Gibbs expressed confidence that the same solutions would apply.

Mr. Gibbs said the main problem with both the U.S.A. and the giant junk food chain is that people generally do what they want — and not what they should want. Mr. Gibbs' first innovation is to reorient the menu toward foods such as arugula and kale. Conversely, the chain will de-emphasize red meat, which is linked in many minds to red-meat conservatives, who, as Mr. Gibbs put it, "stubbornly cling to their guns and Bibles, vowing never to drop their sesame-seed bun until someone claws it from their cold, dead hands." As these customers are suspicious of people who don't look like them, Mr. Gibbs will replace milk and white bread at the 36,000 outlets with ethnic foods such as menudo, liverwurst, and ants.

Mr. Gibbs said he will address flagging sales at the restaurants with a program modeled after President Obama's American Reinvestment and Recovery Act. McDonald's will take steps to increase gross sales regardless of whether the things sold are what anyone wants. For example, if a pear grower lobbies the company that pears are important and nutritious and lucrative to pear growers, then McDonald's will include pears with every meal. Large signs at every store will tout the fact that all pears are provided thanks to the "stimulus" program. Customers who do not want their pear-burgers can instead pay for other customers to eat them.

Another initiative will be based on Cash for Clunkers. Perfectly good Quarter Pounders and Big Macs will be thrown away — after being rendered useless, probably by adding poison. The lack of these entrées will force customers to make better choices, and will incidentally push up the prices of everything that is left, further boosting gross receipts.

Mr. Gibbs' final change will be based on Obama-care. Patrons who arrive with an appetite will not be served food, so that there is more food for patrons who find it "unaffordable," including patrons who have already eaten. Hungry patrons will instead be forced to buy one of three color-coded Happy Meals, whose new contents will not be disclosed but will be mostly inedible. Vegetarians and those sensitive to gluten and lactose will receive the same product as everyone else. The prices will vary with the customer's annual income, which he must disclose to the McDonald's cashier, along with enough bank information to let McDonald's track any increase in the annual income such as a Christmas bonus, to confront the prosperous customer with an additional year-end bill to recover some or all of the discount.

Mr. Gibbs called "temporary" the difficulty providing Universal Coverage for restaurant visits as was done to health care. However, Mr. Gibbs, like his former boss, his former boss's wife, and his former boss's predecessor's wife, have never gotten a jobs from proven success but always just from proximity and possible influence at the levers of power. Mr. Gibbs said it should not be long before the IRS can tax anyone who does not eat at the chain — though it will be called a penalty so that "you won't see a dime of new taxes."

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