UnNews:Giant prank deflates village egos

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25 March 2009

Giantemasculated
The giant after his "operation"

DORSET, England-- A nationwide manhood hunt was launched yesterday following the disappearance of vital consituent of a Dorset fertility symbol, the Cerne Abbas Giant. The giant, known locally as the Rude Man or Grockle Trap, has long stood proudly over the village, and is regarded by many as a symbol of health and efficiency, first erected in pre-history.

Local resident and father of 9, Hugh Jampton was first to notice that something was afoot - or even bigger. “I usually rise with the cock”, he said, “but this morning I was unable to get up. The first thing I noticed when I looked out of my window was nothing, which was a huge shock to me and the misses”. Managing to raise the alarm, although little else, the area was immediately surrounded by police officers, who had elected to leave their big helmets at home as a mark of respect.

We were initially baffled”, admitted Sergeant Richard Littlejohn of the Dorsetshire Police, “It seemed impossible that anyone could steal such a prominent object without being seen. You'd have thought that they'd stick out a mile.” Conducting a finger tip search for clues, officers were unable to pin anything down.

Roofpenis
Image taken shortly before Google Earth's camera lens steamed up.

Local Member of Parliament, Percy Hardwick immediately sought to allay any fears that the theft would have any adverse affect upon the locals' resolve. “The whole 'fertility symbol' thing is just a fallacy, a cock and bull story”, he said.

My wife and I have visited the giant several times, and have yet to be blessed with issue. When my personal assistant returns from maternity leave, she can give you a full statement”.

Despite these assurances, flags were flown at half mast and the maypole on the green was blown over. Mrs Honour Back of the village post office also reported a “massive increase” in the sales of duct tape and lollipop sticks.

"We all feel hugely deflated," said the landlord of the The Rusty Nail, Phil Errup, as locals popped in to order "A stiff one to calm their nerves."

"The giant has propped up the local economy for centuries, as tourists from all round the world flock to take pictures of it. It's caught many a Jap's eye, I can tell you."

Fears were finally allayed when a microlight pilot spotted what he initially thought was a landing strip on the roof of a £1million mansion in Bell End, Berkshire. Closer inspection revealed the missing organ, which had been stolen by student, Rory Thomas, in an attempt to impress his girlfriend, who is a balloon pilot.

So far, attempts to return the article to its rightful owner have flopped, and Rory's parents, John and Ophelia were unable to comment upon their son's prank, as “Something important had just come up.


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