This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
25 March 2007
MIAMI, FL - Saturday, at exactly 9:00 AM, a giant monster penis came crawling out of the Atlantic Ocean like a slug. Citizens on the beach quickly ran away in fear as the penis squirted white acid and began to eat everyone it could get its mouth on.
By 9:30, the penis finally found its way into the city, where it started to eat buildings and squash people. The penis rampage went on for hours until the military finally arrived. It took the armed forces 45 minutes to finally bring an end to the massacre.
One thousand, three hundred and fifteen people were killed by the penis and the collapse of buildings. Forty seven people were also injured in the attack.
"I didn't know what it was until it began shooting the acid," said an injured lifeguard working at the beach that morning.
Officials say that the incident was caused by a severed penis someone lost on a cruise last year. A nuclear spill occurred in the area three months later and, over time, the monster penis was created.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made a speech after the attack, saying that this was all George Bush's fault and that he must be impeached. She then transformed into a penis and crawled away. The situation is still being investigated, and bodies are still being found.