UnNews:Giant jellyfish donated to Mexico
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Giant jellyfish donated to Mexico
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 03:58:UTC)(
21 August 2007
CANCUN, MEXICO - In an effort to assist the victims of Hurricane Dean, Australia has dispatched schools of giant jellyfish to the stricken residents of Cancun, Mexico. The beach resort was just recovering from the damage inflicted upon it by the hurricanes of 2005 when Dean unleashed
its her his fury on the seaside town, causing property damage in the trillions of worthless pesos.
The townspeople, already impoverished by the greed of the one-tenth of one percent of the country’s wealthy, looked upon the arrival of the giant sea creatures as God-sent. “It’s manna from heaven,” Juan Garcia Manitoba Montezuma Caca del Toro told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We would have had to eat la cucaracha,” del Toro said, “but, now, thanks to the mercy of a gracious God, we have jellyfish!” (“Cucaracha” is Spanish for “cockroach.”)
His Excellency Neil Mules, Australia’s ambassador to Mexico, was miffed at del Toro’s comments. “The Mexican peasants should thank Australia, not God,” he sniffed. “We sent the jellyfish.” He added, “It was the least we could do.”
The creatures tend to be fist-size in Australian waters, due to the Aussies’ notorious stinginess in developing the seabed. However, in the Gulf of Mexico, they mushroom to gigantic size, because Mexicans treat the ocean near their country with generous amounts of raw human sewage, a natural fertilizer that increases underwater plant growth and Montezuma’s Revenge (diarrhea). The giants weigh in at an astonishing 25 pounds, average--enough to feed a family of 12 for three days.
According to Maria Sanchez Hernandez-Lopez Baja Borrego Valverde, the jellyfish “is delicious, spread on bread with a little peanut butter.” Her children, Anna and Ricardo, “could eat peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches all day and never complain--in fact, they do. I thank God for sending the jellyfish to us, along with Hurricane Dean.”
There is a downside to the jellyfish donation, however: although they are no threat to humans, they are threats both to the population of local fish and to the fishing industry, as the jellies fowl fishing nets and eat the eggs of shrimp and other fish larvae. Some critics contend that it was the creatures’ potential threat to the Australian fishing industry that prompted Aussie officials to “donate” the creatures to Mexico in the first place. “Better the Spics’ fish than ours, right, mate?” Australian Bob Matthews asked, with a wink.
To ship the jellyfish, a fleet of retired sea vessels was pressed into service. The jellyfish attached themselves to the ships, as hitchhikers, and the vessels transported them to the Gulf of Mexico, where divers removed them from the ships’ hulls.
According to President George W. Bush, jellyfish are “as nutritious as they are delicious,” and, “thanks to the Australians’ generosity in donating this ‘manna from heaven’--or ‘manna from the sea,’ as I should say--the United States has decided to scale back its initial proposal to send $100 billion taxpayers’ dollars to Cancun; now, we’re sending only $99.99 billion. After all, American taxpayers are voters, too, and there’s an election coming up. I need to be fiscally responsible.”
- Lotta Lies "Peanut butter and jellyfish, the new Mexican dietary staple?". Instant News, 18 seconds ago