UnNews:Giant ants outraged by depictions in Indiana Jones film
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Giant ants outraged by depictions in Indiana Jones film
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 02:47:UTC)(
25 May 2008
PERU -- Several colonies of giant red ants in Peru have voiced objections to the latest film in the Indiana Jones series, which features a scene in which poorly animated ants try to eat Indiana and his friends.
"This film is perhaps the most despicable anti-ant propaganda I've seen in a long time," says Hans Smith, a notable ant, "Its depictions of our species devouring human beings and dragging them down holes is sickening and perverted. It's been almost a week since any army ants killed human beings. Any fully grown human beings, anyway. We prefer the young ones."
"American children will now grow up fearing us ants," continues Smith, "And it becomes another excuse for the West to hate us. This is a crude and shameful act. Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett are clearly anti-ant agents hired by the CIA to discredit us amongst the American working classes who need our ideology to struggle against the evils of Western civilization. If I ever see Harrison Ford in person, I will personally murder him. Or at least I'll try to, though it probably won't work because I'm a fucking ant."
The outrage among ants has spread across many of the ant colonies of Peru. The ants point out that only a very small percentage of their species has actually eaten humans--the majority prefer smaller creatures like Cats,dogs or midgets.
"We would like to see this film banned, or at least tagged with a disclaimer reading THIS FILM CONTAINS BLATANT PROPAGANDA AND AN ATTEMPT TO DISCREDIT THE NOBLE, HARDWORKING ANT. Perhaps then the damage that this smut has done to the young people of the world will be rectified. Also, I'd like to point out now that the ants who appear in the film are NOT REAL, and the colony depicted is now partially converted to vegetarianism."
"Only by changing the imagery of films can Hollywood undo the stereotyping against ants that we see in modern films," concluded Hans, "I'd like to see an ant protagonist in the next film, if they decide to make one."
Calls to ban the film, or rename it as INDIANA JONES AND THE DESPICABLE WESTERN PROPAGANDA CRITICIZING THE GLORIOUS ANT, have not yet been heeded by any major world governments. A group of protesting ants is expected to march on Washington DC in protest against the film. "We will not stop until this film is banned; or at least until somebody steps on us!" proclaimed a particularly patriotic insect. We will get more details in coming weeks.