This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
18 December 2012
LOS ANGELES, California -- The adult world was in an uproar recently after a Ghost buster – who was brought in to exorcise the cheeky ghost of John “Johnny Wad” Holmes – was severely slimed in the process. And worst of all, apart from an iPhone snapshot, there were no directors or camera crews on hand to capture the amazing incident on film. “Today is a sad day for porn fans,” lamented Uncle Max Hardroom, “because we have failed to capture John Holmes from the spirit world and return him back to active duty on the silver screen as the real king of splooge!”
Apparently Holmes became a ghost after dying from, ah, well, he fucked himself to death[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. His official tally was over 190,000 different women, and that is not even taking into consideration his potential shemale or male partners – he was, after all, a flaming gay. So the actual number of his sexual exploits could easily exceed a half million.
Born Melvin Dingledorf in 1944, Holmes became the adult industry's most notorious male porn star, appearing in roughly 326,250 pornographic movies, loops, magazines, and surprise 16th birthday parties, between 1960s and 1980s. He was best known for his humongous dong, which would be a heavy burden for any man – male or female – to lug around. His was clearly the longest, thickest, hardest, meanest, bluntest and sploogiest member in the entire known universe.
Holmes' notoriety almost reached its zenith after his involvement with the Laurel Canyon Toon-town orgies in 1981. And he was eventually immortalized after his death from complications caused by lack of blood to the brain – every drop of which was used to inflate and fire his hand-cannon.
According to confidential sources, after his death, former partner and adult siren, Seka, became possessed by his ghost and she began to exhibit horrifying signs of old age, which, in turn, had a debilitating effect on the moral of the Baby Boomer generation engaged in worshiping the voluptuous whore.
This hideous aging problem got worse and worse until the Pope could stand it no longer. A church Ghost buster was dispatched by the Vatican to exorcise the old battle-ax. But in spite of all best efforts by the Pontiff and his representative, the headstrong spirit of Holmes resisted, finally leaving the man completely broken and slimed.
Unfact: In the early years of his porn career, Holmes was nicknamed "The Sultan of Twat", a pun on Babe Ruth's nickname, The Sultan of Swat.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|