UnNews:Get yer fishsticks while they're still heayuh!

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2 November 2006

BWOA'STIN, Massachusetts -- Theyuh will be vuhtually nothin' left tuh fish from the hawbuh by the middle of the centuhry if cahrent trends continue, accahdin' to a majuh scientific study. Won't be no lobstah, eethuh. Stocks have collapsed in nearly one-thuhd of New England fisheries, and the rate of decline is wicked pissah fast.

Writin' in the jouhnul Science, the intuhnational team of reseahchuhs sez fishin' decline is closely tied to a broaduh loss of marine biodivahsity. But a greatah use of protected ahreas could safeguahd existin' stocks. "The way we use thah hawbuh is that we hope and assume theyuh will always be anothuh species to exploit after we've completely gone through the last one," said research leader Boris Worm, from Dalhousie University in Canada. "What weyuh highlighting is theyuhz a finite numbah of stocks; we have gone through one-thahd, and we are going to get through the rest."

This is wicked pissah bad newz fah Bwoa'stin. A city just recoverin' frahm thuh Big Dig ain't ready fah sucha change, even with the reveahse of the cahse. "This is wicked lame news, man. I can't eat no lobstah anymoh!" one Bwoa'stonian man uttuhd. Itz unknown whethuh this'll affect the stupid tourists who are all the time gettin' confused by all our tunnels and rotaries and stoppin' at stupid old buildings. Stupid tourists.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews member.