UnNews:Germany not fearing over next match-up

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6 July 2010

GER

2000. Germany's team bond closely together in a 'shark head' formation.

DURBAN, South Africa -- The FIFA 2010 World Cup tournament is nearing to a close, yet tensions still remain high. Today Uruguay and Netherlands will face up match of cage fight like quality but Germany remain the team to watch. Football armchair experts (who had backed Argentina or Spain to win this year) say the German team are "in the running for most interesting team to have been seen in this tournament." The respected former German World Cup hero and ex-coach Franz Beckenbauer said he had most fun reading about England and that he knows his country's team were 'laughing all the time reading about the arguments in the England camp' and added At least we didn't have to hear that bloody dirge 'The Great Escape' theme song every time the English fans turned out!

Though Germany's passage to the semi final was not always smooth - a 1-0 loss to Serbia and the sending off of star player Miroslav Klose - their team has once again shown that when it comes to the World Cup, Germany is as about as reliable as brand new Mercedes. After crushing the English and Argentinian teams in successive matches, the enthusiasm for the German team even reached the Vatican where Pope Benedict XVI (born Josef Ratzinger from Bavaria) danced with his bishops in the nave of St.Peter's after the final whistle.

However, despite all the success so far, the German coach, the dark haired, clothes changing coach Joachim Loew has so far tried to stay sober and focused on the next match against Spain. He said Germany were assisted by a very inept English team and by a very helpful Argentinian goalie who was evidently sympathetic to Germany by standing in the wrong place every time the German team came forward to score. Loew continued:

"This may be our first World Cup appearance, and we are one of the underdogs..but I am confident that my boys will be strong enough to pull through this. I was told I had no experience and that it is all luck that Germany have progressed as far as they have done. I spent four years coaching the team - and a fortune in changing my black sweaters at every match. I had a brilliant plan - to turn up in South Africa first and make sure we got the best whilst the other lazy teams were sleeping off their hangovers. However my main plan is still top secret, written down in invisible ink and only visible with ultraviolet light."

Loew's plan is said to include some radical swapping of players in different positions to confuse opponents. These include leaving out a goal keeper and playing a mid fielder who could do both jobs and getting Lukas Podolski to smile like a hungry werewolf as he gets nearer to the goal. Though there have been some objections by the rest of the team, Loew is sure he can win.

"Speaking on behalf of the team, in our strategy, we are no longer fearing the worst. This plan will work like all others before. The Franz Beckenbauer-Gerd Muller Donner und Blitzen approach of 74 and the Lothar Mattheus 'Neue Berlin Wall formation in 1990. I can really put Germany into the finals? Will the unterhunds become the new uberhunds? Will more rhetorical questions be necessary??..because I need to go off and change my clothes again..."

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