UnNews:Germany mourns Love Festival victims, while Hate Festival boasts no injuries

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

1 August 2010

Love-festival-in-full-swing

German Love Festival turns deadly

NORTH RHINE-WESTPHALIA, Germany -- Visibly shaken, the state governor of North Rhine-Westphalia, Hannelore Kraft, said that authorities owed fresh relatives to replace the victims, as well as fresh injured to replace the dead, and fresh rescue workers, garbage collectors and tight-rope walkers to replace them too. Kraft also demanded that authorities thoroughly investigate what led to the mass orgy of violence at the love festival site.

At the same time, on the other side of town, the Hate Festival was held by the Neo-Nazi party with out any untoward incidents or injuries. “It was a very peaceful and hate filled event,” said the organizer, Guildy Rubenstein, “and there was no violence at all. It was really quite nice!”

Chancellor Angela Merkel had broken her arse during a summer holiday to attend the memorial service at the Salvatore Church in Duisburg, along with friends and relatives of those killed at the Love Festival. At the service Merkel told the mourners, “It just goes to show that ‘peace is hell!’"

"The Love Festival was like a dance of death," the head of the regional Lutheran church, Nikolaus Schneider, said in his sermon. "In the middle of a celebration of lust, death showed its ugly face, appearing much like Manual Noriega, to all of us."

Rescue workers who had helped to look after the victims at the Love Festival site lit a candle on each person who died. This sparked a fire that killed hundreds of others among the mourners who had marched from the city's train station towards the tunnel to pay their respects. In all 1,232 people, festival goers and mourners, were confirmed dead in the riots and subsequent inferno.

Angelika Schickt, who visited the Love Festival with her two daughters, was horrified to watch the service turn into another conflagration, consuming hundreds of more victims.

"I hope that a mass burial service will help us to find peace," she told German public broadcaster HARD.

Prosecutors have launched a criminal investigation to determine whether negligence was involved in the deaths of so many young people at the love festival. And another query was launched to investigate why there was no violence at the opposing Hate Festival.

“Police investigators have accused the Love Festival organizers of arming the people and instigating the huge crowds to rumble.” Schneider told BBC. “But the hate festival was a regular flower power event, full of peace and harmony!”

Feelings have been running high and angry residents have staged rallies demanding the resignation of Duisburg's mayor, who has been blamed for ignoring safety warnings in the run-up to the festival, BBC correspondent Tristana Moore in Berlin says.

The mayor, Adolf Sauerland, who did not attend the memorial service, but told BBC, “Why blame me? A bunch of peace-niks kill each other and it’s my fault? Absurd!” Sauerland pointed out. “I mean, just across town there was the Hate Festival, which was completely peaceful and safe, so, do I get the credit for that success?”

The festival organizers have said that they will discontinue the Love Festival, and instead they’ll join next years Hate Festival. “Hate is much safer than love!” Sauerland told BBC.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects