UnNews:Germany discloses new chemical weapon
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Germany discloses new chemical weapon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 15:56 (UTC)
19 January 2014
The active ingredient in the dangerous new munition is said to be Lycasin, a chemical agent with the potential to force enemy soldiers to vacate the battlefield, and then to vacate. The armament seems also able to end relationships, end conversations, end journeys, end attendance at theater, and other ends.
The new weapon of mass defecation is disguised as a sugar substitute and could use the harmless-looking gummi bear as a delivery vehicle. An innocent school girl offering a token of friendship to an invading army could in fact turn the tides of battle more quickly than ExLax or Pop Rocks fed to a seagull, and with comparably complete destruction of anyone in the vicinity.
The armament has been under development since 1920 by the Haribo Confections Company of Bonn, under the code name Zyklon-BM. Reportedly, the armament was not available for use in World War II to address Jewish hygiene issues and a prototype had to be used instead.
Pundits at Stratfor have hand-wrung over whether the announcement constitutes retaliation by incredibly hot Prime Minister Angela Merkel over the revelation that the NSA was tapping European leaders' phones at the most intimate moments. But military reviewers commenting on
amazon.com said that the ingredient's unusually sudden and violent effects would revolutionize warfare or even make future wars unthinkable. They said it might also serve as a nice token of appreciation to one's legislators.
All Germany's neighbors demanded to see proof, except France, which surrendered and ran away. But perhaps it was merely the quiche and escargots.