UnNews:Germans angry over American diplomat's advice
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7 February 2014
"Fuck the EU," said Victoria Nuland, the U.S. diplomat who heads the Bureau of Telling Europeans to Fuck Themselves, in a clip captured on YouTube. Fucking themselves, according to Nuland, is what the Europeans should do instead of mediating the crisis in the Ukraine. Frumpy German Chancellor Angela Merkel stressed that fucking forms no part of her administration. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said that Ms. Merkel's reaction could lead to an "opening for talks," with a lecherous smile.
It is not clear how the telephone conversation got onto YouTube. Russian spying is out of the question, as Russia has its hands full spying on attendees of the Sochi Olympics. That leaves the U.S. Government, Wikileaks, the Koch Brothers, Larry Kudlow, and the Tea Party movement, as there is no one else who wants to see Mr. Obama's administration weakened.
This is not the first time YouTube has affected statecraft in the Obama Administration. In 2012, a band of unwashed Libyan youths, wearing homespun and bearing nothing but their own mortars, shoulder-fired missile launchers, and al-Qaeda badges, stormed the American consulate and killed the ambassador, a crisis that Mr. Obama stressed was an understandable spontaneous reaction to material on YouTube that should in no way affect the imminent Presidential election. Though that movie-maker was jailed for a year, Ms. Nuland has not even hired a lawyer.
By coincidence, just days ago, CVS Drugstores announced that it will no longer sell cigarettes at its 7,600 stores. Chief Executive Larry Merlo, in a board-room meeting not carried on YouTube, told his directors, "Our customers smoke? Fuck them!" U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius called on other drugstores to follow the example of CVS. "Telling the customer to fuck himself is the basis of the President's signature health-care reform," she said. In the future, CVS could take additional cues from Obama-care and give its customers sealed shopping bags in gold, silver, bronze, and platinum, whose contents would be unknown but chosen by bureaucrats and lobbyists to be appropriate for the customer.