UnNews:German scientists unearth a row of suckers belonging to the ancient Octopoda order.

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31 March 2009

As recent as 2009, The 2009 extinct fossil octopus discoveries refers to the discovery of three newly identified species of extinct octopus (or octopoda) that were discovered in 2009. It is only the second time that any fossils of any species of extinct octopuses have ever been found, likely because mariners, as self driven as they are, were just plain damn uninterested. The previous discovery was Palaeoctopus newboldi - discovered by a paleontologist newb. [1]

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Suck it, baby.

The three species discovered in this new find are Kappa hyperbolis, Kupo levitate, and Stereotypus annus, each estimated to have been prone for capstone-breaching gross exaggeration, levitation and kupos, and generic bowels respectively. Even though these species lived 95 million years ago, they bore a very strong resemblance to modern octopuses in their disgusting, terrible, amorphous forms, suggesting that the Octopoda order has remained relatively unchanged for tens of millions of years. The fossils included evidence of arms, muscles, rows of suckers, ink, and internal gills. The discovery was made by German scientists (if you can take a hint from the title), and were found at Hakel and Hadjoula, Lebanon. [1]

Orphan-annie

That shit sucks.

"Octopus fossils are rare because very soon after an octopus dies, it rapidly decays and liquefies like the naive piece of shit that it is," explained the first scientist Unnews caught sight of and interrogated (good thing the onion wasn't on the scene), "In just a few days, it will be gone, even if there are no scavengers; which if I may be liberal as to say, clearly indicates, even from my non-theist perspective, that nature doesn't wish to allow such a creature's impression to remain upon the world. But from the facts lain before us, we quickly concluded that in order to have fossilized, these octopussy had to be on an area of the sea floor where there was rapid sedimentation and no oxygen."

Another man, whom we could only assume was a scientist as well, butted in promptly after this, "Hahaha Adler, you said octopussy," before his expression grew immediately serious, "But seriously, this find was nothing really. I mean, everyone knows that sea beds are generally devoid of oxygen when you get to a certain depth level. Why are you guys even considering this a story?"

Attempting to defend my situation, this reporter responded with, "Well, nobody else was on the scene, and we thought we'd sneak something."

Flabbergasted, the German responded with, "I'm... I'm sorry. Did you say, 'sneak something'? Fuck man, that's so naive. That's..." The man muttered something I couldn't catch, running a hand through his hair before regaining composure, "Look, all I can say, is that these finds suck. We found a row of suckers."

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Suck?

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