UnNews:German mollusc to join Match of the Day pundit team
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
German mollusc to join Match of the Day pundit team
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 23, 2016, 10:03:UTC)(
8 July 2010
Cape Town, South Africa
The BBC sports programme Match of the Day (MOTD) has announced that Paul the Octopus, the Germany based cephalopod and new football game analyser is to join the regular team of experts for this Sunday's World Cup final.
Paul's amazing ability to pick a game winner at all the matches he has been asked to consider has already made his services much sort after many TV shows looking for a pundit to add accuracy to match predictions. The BBC said they were pleased to have signed up the Octopus and that he will now replace his fellow German Jurgen Klinsmann on the famous BBC couch who has been criticised for looking lethargic and disinterested to talk to anyone.
The show's anchor, ex-England football star Gary Lineker was said it would be a great honour to have Paul in the studio but admitted it did involve some important set changes for the show.
We have built a huge aquarium in the studio. Our regular pundits Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer agreed to sit in it so they could share the couch with Paul. Though there was a technical problem about how Hansen and Shearer would breathe and talk about football underwater, eventually we persuaded them that just out of shot will be a couple of oxygen tanks they can take a gulp when the cameras go back to me telling a joke or mirth provoking pun.
Paul the Octopus's amazing ability to predict the outcome of games is said due to his diet of fresh mussels. The octopus makes his informed choice of winners by always climbing inside the right perspex box when asked to choose between two countries whose flags are displayed on the outside.
The BBC are said to be thrilled to have an octopus on the show as this will also fill its broadcasting remit of appealing to the widest possible audience including animals. Once the world cup is finished, Paul will be offered his own chat show, a cookery programme about eating starfish celebrities and the chance to represent Britain in the next Eurovision Song Contest. Though he is based in Germany, Paul the Octopus was born in Weymouth in England and is therefore eligible as a home grown octopus for the job of England's football coach. If the current manager, the Italian Fabio Capello resigns or is fired out of a cannon into the direction of Italy , then Paul stands a good chance to get the job. As experienced commentators have remarked, Paul could hardly do any worse than everyone else who has managed the English team since 1990.