UnNews:Gerald Ford achieves light-footedness, rhythm
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Gerald Ford achieves light-footedness, rhythm
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 00:19:UTC)(
27 December 2006
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DANCEHALL HEAVEN, Wednesday (UNN) — Former US President Gerald Ford has, at the age of 93, finally achieved the light-footed and dexterous touch that had eluded him in preceding decades. A statement yesterday from his wife, Betty, did not cite a cause of rhythmic inspiration. "But I ask you all to raise your glasses!" she said. "Of, uh, mineral water."
"I have to say, these robes and wings are turning me into a dancefloor favourite," said Ford, successfully chewing gum in time with his steps. "I feel like I'm just floating into place! Where's that golf club? I feel ... confident."
Though long thought to be an urban legend, Ford is, in fact, one of the many and various Presidents of the US and A, and the only surviving automobile president as of 2006. He is also famed for his touch with the ladies, several of whom did their best for a shot at him. "Ahh, it's always the crazy ones," he laughed.
Asked about the dirty greyish smudge on the side of his halo, he said, "Oh, that mark's where the label was from pardoning Dick for everything he'd ever done or might do in future. Never mind that."
- Gatherer S. Thompson "It's worse than that, he's Ford, Jim!". Dead President Collector's Monthly, December 27, 2006