UnNews:Georgian Naional Guard on red alert
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Georgian Naional Guard on red alert
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 23, 2017, 11:06:UTC)(
10 August 2008
ATLANTA, Georgia Following reports of a Russian invasion, the Georgian National Guard has been placed on red alert. The ten thousand troops of the Guard have been deployed along the eastern border of Georgia in a bid to hold back the
Red Russians Army.
"My granpappy done tol' me thet them thar Russkies would be a'comin Perey-stroika or no Perey-stroika. Well we's a ready fer 'em!" said Cpl. McFee, a Macon based hair stylist who talks that way in a doomed bid to appear heterosexual. "We'll give 'em whut fer! Ain't nobody doneattacked Georgia and got away with it *coughexceptthatonetime*.
Not everyone is so confident. "Those Russians are tough," said Sgt. Vernon, a district sales manager from Savannah who, in addition to being in the National Guard, is a keen Civil War reenactor and collector of military memorabilia. "According to the many books on WWII that litter my disturbingly dank and creepy apartment, the Russians are some of the toughest soldiers imaginable, able to endure horrible conditions and return atrocity with atrocity.
"I just wish I new which way Russia is.
To make matters worse the Georgia Air National Guard is desperately under strength, with several wings serving in Iraq. "We don't know much about the Russian air-force," said Air Guard Captain Lance Pillock, "I think I saw a training film that said that they have fighter jets that can be controlled by mind waves, but that might just have been a movie. Yeah, It was probably a movie, it had Clint Eastwood in it, and I don't think he does training films. We'd just better be ready when they start suicide bombing us for the glory of their Emperor."
Elsewhere, huge convoys of refugees are fleeing Georgia for neighboring states, although there is some evidence of refugees reaching Florida and then deciding to take their chances with the Russians. "Ugh, so touristy!" said returning Maybelle Pritchard, "I'd rather risk being ravished by the Cossack hordes than spend eight dollars for a freaking churro."
The Mayor of Atlanta is reported to have been spreading kerosine around the city center, in a contingency plan dating back to 1865. "They can't burn it," he is reported to have said, "Not if we burn it first! A he he he he he!"
Asked for comment on the growing crisis in America's southeast Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, loudly shushed this reporter and said "Can't talk. Watching Olympics. Ah, synchronized swimming; the king of sports!"