UnNews:Georgian Luger Killed During Training Run Comes Back to Win Gold
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Georgian Luger Killed During Training Run Comes Back to Win Gold
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 00:59:UTC)(
21 February 2010
Vancouver, British Columbia (UnNews) - Nodar Kumaritashvili, the Georgian luger killed in a February 12th training run has done the impossible and come back to beat the heavily favoured Germans Felix Loch and David Moller to win the Gold Medal. Former champion, Italian Armin Zoggeler finished in fourth. The event which took place two days after Kumaritashvili's death resulted in the only gold medal for Georgia.
Kumaritashvili, an Atlanta native, died after crashing into a metal pole at 88mph. It was speculated that he was attempting to time travel in order to reduce his race time. He was coming around the final turn, flew off the track and into the pole. He hit the pole and instantly transformed into a corpse. Track officials immediately attempted CPR on Kumaritashvili but it was in vain. The impact of the crash rendered him into an insta-corpse. His body was transported to a local hospital and he was soon pronounced dead.
After his death was announced, the Georgian Olympic team was distraught as Kumaritashvili was their best athlete and their only hope for a gold medal. Their grief soon turned to optimism though when the Georgian Olympic team received a call from Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson. Wilson explained that Kumaritashvili's corpse could be preserved and he would still be able to compete in the games. The Georgian team was elated but didn't understand how this would be possible. Wilson explained that the Leafs recently signed deceased defenceman Bill Barilko and that he has experience in preserving athlete's corpses. He also told the Georgians, "because Nodar has just recently passed away, his body is more or less in a perfect state, he hasn't even started to smell yet. He is practically still alive.".
Wilson was able to get permission from the team to release Kumaritashvili's body from a local funeral home. Wilson allowed the funeral home to embalm the body to help prevent decomposition before removing the corpse to an undisclosed location. The corpse was cleaned up and then taken to the Whistler Sliding Centre, where he died, to do a few more practice runs. His coaches hoped that Kumaritashvili's sled would not crash again because, as they told an UnNews reporter "the next time there might not be enough of him left to preserve".
All the training paid off, however, when Kumaritashvili captured gold against his two German competitors. He was strapped to his sled to help prevent his corpse from flying off again but managed to stay on the track this time. Ron Wilson remarked that "he is a better luger as a corpse than he was when he was alive". Wilson doubts that Kumaritashvili would have captured gold had he not been killed first. His German competitors were gracious in defeat but the former Italian champion was fuming. "Not only was I beaten by a couple of Nazis but also by a corpse, I can't believe this is happening" responded Armin Zoggeler to his defeat by the two Germans and Kumaritashvili's corpse. But it did happen and the Georgian Olympic team couldn't be happier. A massive celebration in Kumaritashvili's honour is planned in Vancouver before his body is flown back to Georgia for his funeral and burial.