UnNews:George Bush Resigns! Cheney Given Presidency
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George Bush Resigns! Cheney Given Presidency
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016, 05:52:UTC)(
30 May 2007
WASHINGTON, DC George W. Bush, tired of fighting Democrats signs an Iraqi War bill that will withdraw troops from Iraq. Resigns as President, gives power to Dick Cheney. Almost a million people sign a petition to Impeach Bush a few of them are from the USA, many of them are illegal immigrants, from Canada, Mexico, Iran, Venezuela, United Kingdom, and many are just sockpuppets created by Liberals.
Bush claims that "I have had the lowest approval rate of any US President in office. Even the Republican sockpuppets don't like me anymore, and I've always counted on them for extra votes. I thought I was doing a great job, but after hearing how bad I am doing for the zillionth time, I decided it was time to quit. I admit I messed up on 911, I was too busy reading 'My Pet Goat' that I missed reading that memo about Osama Bin Laden ready to strike the USA. I admit I messed up about Iraq as well, I thought they had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Turns out I had the wrong name, Iran has them, but we are too busy in Iraq to do anything about them. Ah well, I will try my hand at comedy instead. I hear that web site Uncyclopedia is looking for editors." When we asked Bush if he thought Dick Cheney could handle the job, Bush said "To be honest, Cheney makes the decisions and I just sign the papers. Dick really made it easy for me to be President. Sometimes he signed the papers for me in my name, like those Haliburton contracts for Iraq. He will do just fine." Dick Cheney made a statement, "America, get ready to suck this!" and pointed to his crotch and refused to comment further. We took a poll to see if Americans knew who Dick Cheney is, and 90% of them think he is the Chairman of NBC, 5% think he is Another Dick, and the other 5% think that he is that hunter that shot that lawyer with a shotgun or something and it was a good start.
Responding to this Cindy Sheehan decides to quit protesting the war in Iraq and putting down Bush. "I don't see any reason to continue. Bush finally decided to do things my way. I might as well go back home and fix my relationships with my husband and children." Mrs. Sheehan spoke.
Rosie O'Donnell said, "I am glad to see him quit. So I decided to quit 'The View' as well. It just became pointless to bash Mr. Bush after he left office. Besides I got other offers I am looking into." Rosie hinted that she might join a South American TV station but didn't want to say what nation and what station.
Liberals everywhere are shocked, because they are still bashing Bush on their blogs, and don't know what else to do now. That is all they seemed to be able to do, blame everything on Bush. One liberal blogger who wished to stay anonymous was quoted as saying "I wish Bush didn't quit, now my blog doesn't generate the revenues it used to. I had supported myself on the Google AdSense money, and now it looks like I'll have to get a real job." Many other liberal blogs also expressed concern that they would lose their income, and have to get real jobs. It seems that liberals are most hit by economic effects caused by Bush resigning as President of the USA. They find that they lack a person to blame for all of their personal issues as well. When we asked them if they wanted to blame Dick Cheney a liberal blogger asked "Who is that? The Chairman of NBC or something?"
Conservatives are shocked as well. Rush Limbaugh claims that nobody tunes into his radio show anymore to listen to him apologize for and protect Bush. "I may have to get a real job too, myself. Almost nobody wants to hire an ex-radio host with drug addiction problems and past history of weight control issues. I might have to, gulp, apply at ExxonMobil or something and take a pay-cut to staff their PR department because Exxon has most of its staff members with those issues." Bill O'Reilly says that he might have to go back to his teaching job of $35,000USD a year, or take up being a character on children's programming like Sesame Street, "Well at least it beats working at Wal-Mart like all of these liberal secular-progressives will end up working at anyway." Sean Hannity says that his show "Hannity's America" was canceled and replaced by "Cheech & Chong's Mexico" to cover the immigration and drug issues with Mexico to support them and make drugs and illegal immigration legal. Also Alan Colmes will take over the "Hannity and Colmes" show, and call it "Colmes Conversations" to meet with the move that Fox News now will become a liberal station supporting Democrats because the Republicans lost all political power with the move that Bush took. "After Bush quit, the Democrats got all of the power, and we'll have a Democrat elected for President in 2008 and have full control of Congress by Democrats!" whined Sean Hannity, "I'll bet it is a Clinton/Obama Whitehouse, which means they'll bring back Communism like Bill Clinton had, and reverse all of the changes made by Bush."
UPDATE: President Bush has recovered from his initial weakness, and has now returned to the Presidency. Thanks to T. Waterston for that clarification. Now, back to the Grue-athon 3000!!!
edit See Also
- UnNews:Sheehan agrees to: 'Shut the Hell up'
- UnNews:Hugo Chavez shuts down TV station that criticized him replaces it with new one staffed by Rosie O'Donnell
- George W. Bush
- Dick Cheney
- White House
- Freedom of Expression