UnNews:General Mills releases all new Orgasmically Delicious Lucky Charms
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General Mills releases all new Orgasmically Delicious Lucky Charms
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 7, 2016, 16:31:UTC)(
29 December 2006
Minneapolis, MN, United States- Today's crispy winter morning was marked by moans of pleasure, screams of joy, and an immeasurable amount of thrown-away undergarments as cereal giant General Mills released its new product, Orgasmically Delicious Lucky Charms.
The product comes in a box depicting Lucky the Leprechaun and an unidentified blonde female in an act of coitus, and contains several Kleenex tissues within the cereal itself. After ingesting this wholesome breakfast food, the consumer rapidly progresses through the primary stages of sexual excitement, briefly plateaus, and culminates in a satisfying orgasm. This sequence is repeated after every delicious spoonfull until the muscles of the consumer fail or the cereal is finished.
This effect is caused by massive amounts of 87-69X, a hormone responsible for the orgasm reflex in humans. Said top General Mills researcher Aaron Wang, "This hormone is non-habit forming, and is therefore is as safe for children as its Magically Delicious predecessor."
Among the general population, the product has been a huge success. To quote truck driver Sean Williams, "I love this stuff. Nothing wakes me up in the morning better-not even coffee! And them folks at General Mills are even nice enough to give me a couple Kleenexes to clean up after myself." Said secretary Jane Mathelson, "This cereal is better then any man I can think of."
But this new wonder food is facing violent opposition from many conservative groups, especially fundamentalist Christians. Stated Linda Lovegood, spokesperson for Soccer Moms Under God (SMUG), "This product is an abomination. It is the Devil's work and will make us filthy in the eyes of God," to which CEO Stephen Sanger replied, "Since you are not using your hands to pleasure yourself, I believe God can just look the other way on this one. I think he'd enjoy our new product, too."
Lucky the Leprechaun, who received a lifetime supply of Orgasmically Delicious Lucky Charms, said melancholically, "I wish I had asked that blonde for her number. One sex act for a cereal box cover, and I fell in love with her."