UnNews:General Funston lives up to his reputation, thousands displaced
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General Funston lives up to his reputation, thousands displaced
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 17:20:UTC)(
2 December 2006
Euroipods: Day 366
Uncyclopedia HQ: chaos ruled all day following the disastrous invitation of Go "Comic timing" dot to the negotiations late last night, with several parties choosing to leave the talks - which have been described as "ineffective", "cylindrical" and "Peter" by various bemused observers - rather than continue. As tensions mounted throughout the day, calls for direct action began to be heard, with all parties agreeing some needed to be taken but disagreeing as to what.
General Frederick Funston, hero of San Francisco, and his forces were drafted to assist with fighting the many fires raging throughout Uncyclopedia this morning, many of which were believed to have been started by users seeking to gain from the trouble.
Although it remains unclear who issued him the authority, General Funston declared martial law in the troubled region, and was ordering his men to set charges in areas adjacent to the raging firestorm in order to really make it a night to remember. Pressed for a quote by the press whilst pressing the flesh, the hard-pressed General let out a girly scream and waved his hand around until the white marks went away, saying:
"Whilst I fully understand this is a matter of honor for the unfortunates concerned, the simple truth is we're not here for honor, we're here for a truly spectacular gunpowder-fueled night of debauched revelry. By dawn tomorrow we will have preserved this young Uncyclopedia's existence by bombing it the crap out of existence. Also, there will be candy apples for the children."
Godot, though, still holds out hopes of a written solution to the conflagration. Speaking to the assembled press and public shortly after the departure of one delegate, Godot revealed his belief that a guiding principle of justice and statistical balance would mean an inevitable, and peaceful, end to the problem. Asked if he meant "boredom", Godot replied:
"Fannywhispering funkbolts! Of course not. Users will return to Uncyclopedia once the present crisis is averted, or when they actually figure out what the duck-licking hollyhock is going on around here and can safely pigeonhole all those concerned."
When pushed for a response to General Funston's plans for Uncyclopedia, Godot fell down.
"Godot fall down," he quipped, "trackshafting rumnannies!" he went on. After several minutes, it was clear he had changed tack entirely and was apologizing to a cab driver, summoned to take him to the airport, whom he had once made wait outside his home for an hour whilst he packed for a trip to Guadalcanal in 1936. Further analysis of his statement this afternoon proved that the cab driver, one Rabbit Brown, had a funny name and died the following year, although nothing more is known of him.
Following Godot's second intervention, an outline of General Funston's plan was circulated, stating his intent to "have a grand old time of it" and "use up next year's munitions budget so fast it'll be gone last year" by detonation of any article linked to the fiasco, with especial care taken to barbecue sacred cows from all sides. In a light-hearted fashion so typical of the General, his orders are for all Uncyclopedia residents to "get to the hills and have some fun, just like we did with Angelfire, sixdegrees, thespark.com, the Internet Oracle and all those other fine, modern GeoCities of the world."