UnNews:Gellar bares breasts despite no-nudity clause

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28 December 2006

Gellbreasts

Gellar to bare her breasts for health and hygiene

Hollywood, CA - Sarah Michelle Gellar announced during a press conference yesterday that she will bare her breasts, despite a no-nudity clause in her contract.

Her next film, Boobs, Breasts, or Tits: It’s All the Same Thing, a documentary, will help preadolescent and teenage girls understand breast development, lactation, breastfeeding, and breast health. Gellar agreed to star in the film to show girls that “breast size doesn’t matter, because even small-breasted girls can produce milk, breastfeed their brats, and need to examine themselves.”

Gellar explained, “Girls need to know that even small boobs--I mean, breasts--can and do produce milk and that their babies and boyfriends can enjoy this wholesome, natural food, just as Freddie likes a little of my tit juice in his coffee or cocoa on occasion.”

Young Sarah

Dear Saint Lolo, please help me grow fabulous breasts when I'm older. Your friend, Sarah.

Likewise, girls must know how to examine their breasts for lumps, the actress said, “because guys are turned off by lumpiness in a girl’s hooters--I mean, breasts.” With her husband’s assistance and the aid of a magnifying glass, Gellar will examine her own breasts on the film.

“That should take about two seconds,” Charisma Carpenter, who starred with Gellar on Buffy the Vampire Slayer quipped. “Sara’s tits are tiny. Just ask anyone; everybody knows.”

Neve Campbell agreed with Carpenter" "If you've seen a mosquito bite, you've seen her boobs."

Some Hollywood insiders claim that Gellar has no intention of violating her no-nudity clause and that her claim to the contrary is a mere publicity stunt.

The actress generated much publicity using a similar tactic earlier this year, Playboy Playmate Carpenter points out. “She said she was going to appear nude in a movie to shock moviemakers into casting her into more adult roles, which, to her, means the part of a prostitute or an actual woman with actual breasts.”

Gellar defended herself against her former co-star’s allegations by rolling her eyes.

Prinze is pleased with Gellar’s decision to portray a pair of tiny, lactating breasts in the documentary film. “Thanks to her courage in the face of adversity and her willingness to put herself in the way of harm, Sarah will be a luminous beacon in the darkness of ignorance and fear for millions of young women who, otherwise, would be uncertain as to when and where to bare their breasts and how many babies they can feed at one time--the answer to which is, incidentally, two, unless one has an extra breast, as Sarah does, and then it’s three.”

Gellar says that the news that she is expecting triplets in 2007 sparked her interest in appearing topless in the documentary. Cupping her tiny breasts in her hands, she said, “I need to learn how to use these for more than just decorations.”

Boobs, Breasts, or Tits: It’s All the Same Thing will be released “sometime next year, so be watching,” Gellar advertised.

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