UnNews:Gaza finally scores a direct hit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 A newsstand that's brimming with issues

3 August 2014

Exocet-mil

School playgrounds in Gaza City downplay merry-go-'rounds in favor of an exciting new "ride."

GAZA STRIP, Palestine -- After months of trying, the Hamas government of the Gaza Strip scored a direct hit against Israel on the battlefield of heartstring-tugging.

Continual lobbing of missiles from the middle of a crowded elementary-school playground finally induced Israel to lob back, injuring eight cute, wide-eyed Palestinian children "on what should have been the happiest time of the day," to-wit, recess.

As the war has claimed 6,000 Palestinian casualties, and 6 Israeli casualties, media worldwide jumped at the strategic new factoid that more Palestinian children had been hurt than Israeli adults, eight-to-six — a key strategy to suggest to the mathematically impaired that the Palestinians were victims of a campaign to target innocents, and not just woefully inept shooters.

Easy button

While Kerry's predecessor, Hillary Clinton, used a button that an aide assured her translated to "RESET", Kerry's peace strategy translates to "RELOAD."

Palestine hopes to translate the new victory into dozens of Consolation Cards and guilt trips for the next round of game-play. Already, John Kerry has rushed to the area, offering millions in U.S. Government free money if the Palestinians will stand pat while the Israelis finish dismantling the tunnels burrowed underneath the border. In a cease-fire that lasted a full two hours, Israel reciprocated by relaxing import restrictions on concrete used to build the tunnels.

President Obama, who dismissed criticism of Kerry's work as partisan "nitpicking," called the situation in Gaza "heartbreaking" and repeated calls for Israel to do more to prevent Palestinian civilian casualties. For example, rather than telephone residences to warn that Israel intended to destroy the missile-launcher on the roof, then wait thirty minutes, then lob firecrackers to scare everyone out of the building, Obama suggested that Israel build "smart munitions," missiles that would swerve around the children on a playground and only hit the adults — and only the ones that cameras on the missiles caught scowling.

As ten percent of Hamas missiles fail to reach Israel at all but spiral down back in Gaza, it is possible that Palestine itself has killed more Palestinian schoolchildren than Israel has. But UnNews Editor-in-Chief Morris Greeley explains, "That kind of news doesn't sell papers."

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects