UnNews:Gay prisoner transferred to a Maximum Security prison because of its maximum security
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Gay prisoner transferred to a Maximum Security prison because of its maximum security
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, December 3, 2016, 06:14:UTC)(
27 September 2011
OAK PARK HEIGHTS, Minnesota -- Joan Williams, a gay man recently convicted of identity theft and forgery, has recently been transferred to the maximum security Minnesota Correctional facility, in order to be able to avail its "Maximum Security" arrangements.
The Minnesota Correctional Facility is one of the most secure and safe prisons in the United States. It generally houses inmates who have either been convicted of unmentionable heinous crimes, or who have committed unmentionable heinous crimes while being incarcerated at another prison for a relatively less heinous crime.
Joan Williams was permitted to give an interview with our UnNews correspondent, on account of his exceptionally good behaviour in a prison that is mostly inhabited by sociopaths, rapists, pedophiles and other such hardened criminals.
edit A hard life
"I freaking love it here!" said Joan. "Back in Tennessee where I was originally incarcerated, it was awful. Those rat-bastards can get away with almost anything they want, all because they haven't been convicted of 'anything serious.'"
Like many gay prisoners, Joan had more than his fair share of homophobic bullying during his stay at a penitentiary in Tennessee. The fact that Tennessee also happens to be a Southern state with a conservative crowd only compounded his problem.
"I was unfortunate enough to be sharing my cell with a guy convicted of hate crimes. Against gays." he adds.
"He was constantly belittling me, and every time he slept, he prayed for forgiveness for sharing a room with a 'heretic'." Joan adds. "It was terrifying. It really was."
Things came to naught when Joan's inmate hanged himself in his cell one day. His suicide note cited "repeated unwanted advances and sexual harassment by a certain bunkmate," as the reason for this decision, thus giving the authorities the perfect excuse to transfer Joan for "causing a tragic and untimely death".
edit A new beginning
According to Joan, life in prison "couldn't get any better" after his transfer to Oak Park Heights. "I mean, look at the people here! Total chickens, all of them!" he exclaims. "These pricks spend 12 hours everyday locked up in a rubber room, while I get to roam around in the lush green, sparsely populated prison yard most of the time!"
"Joan has consistently been one of our most well-behaved inmates," says a prison officer "After searching his room over 20 times and not finding anything to even suggest that Mr Joan was planning on breaking out, we decided to further torment the other prisoners by parading him around like the revered Inmate of Honor." he says with a cruel smile.
"Of course, we have to keep him in solitary confinement most of the time, only for his own safety." says the East Wing head officer. "Though we do occasionally reward other inmates' good behavior by permitting them to be bunkmates with Joan."
Joan is also one of the few prisoners in the penitentiary who has not been sentenced to life imprisonment, and probably the only inmate who can enter and exit the prison building whenever he feels like. He's even allowed on occasion to tour the different Prison Wings along with a prison officer.
"We don't normally treat our inmates like this," says the warden "In fact, I feel a chill run down my spine every time Joan Williams walks out into the yard without even being frisked! But we can't help it, he just isn't bad enough!"
edit Ulterior motives?
The head warden, however, has an explanation for this seemingly bizarre turn of events. "Times are tough these days, and funding is scarce. The Department of Corrections gives us a grant if we offer Equal Opportunity Housing to all minorities, and homosexuals have just been added to the list of eligible groups."
The warden further explains how a steady increase in convictions of homosexual activity in southern states has led Minnesota to offer some of its most prime real estate to overcrowded prisons in exchange for increased funding. "We've also been trying to get furries added to the list of minorities, but progress is slow."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Joan is slated to be released in January 2013, while the rest of his inmates would be lucky to even paroled by then.