UnNews:Gay men banned from playing soccer in high altitudes
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Gay men banned from playing soccer in high altitudes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 12:46 (UTC)
28 May 2007
“Whoever is afraid to play in Bolivia raise your hand! We are not afraid to go there and kick their derrieres!”
“We don't want to ever play in Bolivia again, the beer in Bolivia is terrible”
After hundreds of incidents and in an unprecedented decision; soccer was finally banned from the Andes; Sepp Blatter the director of FIFA said, that Brazilian players often complained about their inability to have erections in Bolivia, and about their changes of behaviour in such altitudes; Blatter quoted the captain of the Brazilian team as saying "Everytime I have to play in Bolivia I feel changes in behaviour, you know, I feel like my manhood just isn't there anymore, and I feel the urge to let the bolivians hump on me".
Bolivians are very happy with the decision; "It was awful to see the brazilian players losing it like that", said Hugo Chavez president of Bolivia, while playing a soccer match vs some 70 year old real athletes from La Paz, "playing soccer here is how people commit suicide... it's really unhealthy" said one of the Bolivian senior citizens; "we play soccer to death".
Other countries were affected with the decision as well; "In Colombia it is going to be very easy" said Alvaro Uribe the president of Colombia "Bogota is located at only 2600 meters above sea level; so, we will take all the immates in the prison system to dig a 100 meter hole in the center of Bogota and we will rebuild the stadium down there" he said.
Answers from other places in the world were a little varied; Italy applauded the measure, but the German federation replied "what the heck is this?; we are not afraid to play in Bolivia, are they like a soccer super power or something?; Bring the Bolivians on!".
The new decision opened the door to force some geographical changes in the soccer map; the Russian federation is now looking forward to make it illegal to play above 35 celsius degrees, and the american federation is trying to ban soccer from smelly stinky places. "We can't play in New York for instance", the US federation said; "there are rats and every time the Yankees drive around the Giants stadium; the stench makes it very difficult to play".
On other news; Sepp Blatter just bought a new Ferrari; "commisions from a job well done" he said
- FIFA "GAY MEN BANNED FROM PLAYING SOCCER IN HIGH ALTITUDES". Obscure Sports Quarterly, 05 28, 2007