UnNews:Gates next Secretary of Defense, Windows now mandatory
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Gates next Secretary of Defense, Windows now mandatory
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 02:16:UTC)(
5 December 2006
Washington D.C., near the middle -- The White House has announced that the next US Secretary of Defense will be Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and Dark Lord of the Sith. Earlier reports had suggested that Robert Gates, a former director of the CIA and MIB, was the firm favourite to take over from Donald Rumsfeld, but this was revealed as just a smokescreen after an undisclosed amount of money was exchanged.
Bill Gates's appointment has sent shockwaves through the technology community, with many now desperately fleeing the US for safe countries. Apple's Steve Jobs is rumoured to now be in hiding in a top-secret Apple bunker in the desert. Presumably this is a bunker with translucent walls and funky colour schemes.
Interviewed for the first time since the announcement, Bill made the following statement:
"The time has come to end the years of deadlock and indecision. The time for compromise and communication is at an end, and now is the time to send in my Legions of Terror to lay waste to all opposition."
"I meant Linux and those Open Source geeks. They'll be put up against the wall and shot," he explained. "Its no longer about "where do you want to go today". Now we say: "you will go where we tell you today"."
Terrorists across the world rejoiced as the announcement was made that all PCs will now be required to run NT4 at the very minimum by February 2007. Security flaws and blue screens of death are expected to waste tens of billions of man hours of productive work, far greater disruption than any mere explosives could achieve. Internet Explorer 7 is predicted to become another assault on users and their so-called rights.
When Vista is finally released to home users Gates is expected to announce another mandatory upgrade.