UnNews:Gary Gygax fails critical CON roll
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Gary Gygax fails critical CON roll
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 13:42:UTC)(
5 March 2008
LAKE GENEVA, Wisconsin -- Gary Gygax, renowned human game designer and writer of the original Dungeons & Dragons role playing game was found dead in a 10 by 20 rough hewn chamber that he owned in the desolate realm of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Looting the body revealed 4D20 American Dollars, 1 aluminium watch (non-magical) and a scroll written in an unknown dwarven dialect which may lead to the lost ruins of Kandulu if deciphered.
Coroners believe that Gygax was felled by his long time arch-nemesis, a mysterious abdominal aortic aneurysm that possessed a devastating instant death attack and a 90% resistance to all non-magical surgeries and medications. The aneurysm was introduced during an epic story arc in 2004 and had been a wily and relentless antagonist during Gygax's recent campaign. Though he's fought the fiend to a standstill on previous occasions there were no definitive victories and many close escapes. Compounded penalties to to his age (69 years, human old age modifier -2 CON) and retirement (sedentary lifestyle -1 CON) contributed to a critically failed Constitution check against the aneurysm's special attack. Since the attack was considered an innate non-magical ability Gygax's Anti-Magic Shell provided no protection against it.
In the sprawling city of Chicago, Gary Gygax was born to humble peasant folk while the black-hearted warlords grew powerful in the eastern lands. It was foretold by a blind prophet that Gary would forever change the face of geeky pastimes. After years of carefully studying the works of the ancient sages Howard and Tolkien he forged the first Dungeons & Dragons gaming book from adamite smelted from a demon's heart. With this mighty artifact in hand he went on to plunder the wallets of millions of gamer geeks, have dozens of adventures in the elemental plane of minor celebrity and found the dutchy of Te'Asaur.
He is survived by his comely wife, six children (50% female, 50% male) and 99th level half-drow thief in the Dragonlance campaign setting. Funeral, resurrection or reincarnation plans have not been announced, but Mrs. Gygax vehemently denies plans to reanimate her husband as a lich, granting him unparalleled magical power and immortality at the cost of his humanity.
Gary Gygax hadn't been the same since Wizards of the Coast/Garfield Games bought out his TSR company and converted the D&D rules to the D20 version with D&D 3.0. In D&D 2.0 Gygax could have used his THAC0 to defend himself by avoiding the attack using his armor class from the aneurysm attack, but as of D&D 3.0 THAC0 is no longer calculated. Gygax didn't have the dexterity or feat bonuses needed to avoid the attack, and thus got hit. The GM was quoted as saying that Gary Gygax could roll up a new character if he wants to, but he would start out at level 1 and age 18. Gary Gygax declined the offer and said he doesn't want to play any more since his best character got killed.