Gardener killed by "giant grass monster"

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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13 June 2008


"While your down there, love ..."

GARDENERS ACROSS THE LAND have been put on alert to watch for a deadly "grass beast" that lurks in compost heaps and in piles of rotting leaves. The warning was issued after a man was eaten by a fifteen foot tall beast apparently "made entirely from grass and bits of cat poo". The 47-year-old, a transvestite from Buckinghamshire, was apparently set upon by the huge behemoth whilst he was relaxing at the bottom of his garden wearing his wife's best neglige and silk stockings, his wife reported to police yesterday.

In am uncompromising warning, the authorities said that while such fatal encounters with dangerous new plant based species was virtually unknown until now, it should be considered an "occupational hazard" for gardeners. The unnamed man was found in the bottom of his garden with multiple puncture wounds on and around his torso. Police detectives pointed out that the wounds were much like knife wounds but had discounted any foulplay citing that they were satisfied given the evidence that they were "likely to have been caused by the sharp teeth of the grass monster."

It is thought that the wife of the unnamed man had come home early from her special forces knife-combat class to find her husband had been eaten by the huge grass monster. Luckily for her the beast had fled the scene but it was tragically too late for her husband. It is thought that the neglige and silk stockings were also "beyond repair."

The news comes after a man in Scotland was recently eaten by a swarm of giant acid spitting slugs that had been nesting in a bag of fertiliser. His wife, who fortunately inherited a £612,000 fortune in life insurance policies, found his acid stripped skeleton at the bottom of their garden, in a bin bag.

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