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Gandhi posthumously accused of mass genocide
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, November 29, 2015, 09:17:UTC)(
5 October 2007
PEACE PALACE, The Hague, Netherlands - Today the world exhaled sharply in shock at the incredible allegation posed by the least used organ of the UN, the International Court of Justice and Equality Through Law (commonly known as the World Court). From their relatively unknown post in the Netherlands, the World Court collectively charged that late peace activist Mohandas Gandhi engaged in the systematic destruction of a certain African tribe.
The Court said in its initial report, released late last night Eastern Daylight Time, that Gandhi engaged in the "evil, despicable act of systematic murder, in which he callously destroyed over one million Trympanosoma brucei germs." The specifics of the report have not been made available as of yet, so the exact date of this killing is unknown. However, according to the Court, he killed millions of these T. brucei in the space of about one second.
T. brucei, a common form of African sleeping sickness (commonly transmitted by the tsetse fly), was particularly abundant in Gandhi's time. The aforementioned report, signed by president of the Court Lady Rosalyn Higgins, DBE, alleges that Gandhi, sometime during the iconic Salt March, swatted one such fly from his visage, rendering it dead.
Followers of the popular philanthropist and spiritualist, dubbed Mahatma (meaning "Great Soul") by most of the free world, are outraged at what they consider blasphemy on the part of the United Nations. "The man did so much good for the world! How can they purport to accuse him of anything but being the greatest human being ever to live?" This opinion seemed shared by many of Gandhi's followers.
Experts see a larger problem with the World Court's decision to pursue the case. Said expert Jonathon Bridges, "It is widely known that the institution of the United Nations is largely symbolic. Due to the open nature of the forum, none of the lofty ideas they support seem to gain any traction. Now, as they pursue more and more bizarre causes, such as permanently libeling the name of who many consider to be the greatest man ever to live, one wonders where their priorities lie."
Meanwhile, regions perpetually ignored by the UN such as Vietnam and the Sudan are crying out against the omniscient yet powerless organization. A Darfur refugee who has found asylum in the United States said, "It is as if the UN is trying to create a problem that is easily solvable. Surely there is enough in this world that is screwed up that they can pick something useful to fix?" One is left with the insinuation that this man believes there are bigger problems in the world. Perhaps the genocide in this man's country?
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
There is an interesting irony that can be found in this strange situation. One of the Mahatma's most famous quotes is the anti-vindication mantra "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." If one imagines the genocides (one real, one alleged) as the eyes, it seems as if this quote can be accepted as true. If only all truth was this easy to see.
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