UnNews:Gandhi Indicated In Doping Scandal
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Gandhi Indicated In Doping Scandal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 27, 2016, 15:28:UTC)(
30 July 2006
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NEW DELHI, India -- Renowned activist Mahatma Gandhi was indicated today in a massive doping scandal related to Indian doctor Rafael Palmeiro. Gandhi tested positive for the banned substance andro; he also had extremely high levels of testosterone. Gandhi adamantly denied all claims that he had ever used steroids.
"I have never knowingly used any illegal substances," said Gandhi, at a press conference held while doing sit-ups in his driveway. "Neither me, nor anyone else has given me any performance-enhancing drug, as far as I know." Gandhi went on to say that he had never met Palmeiro, and that he would, "Never cheat to get an edge."
Gandhi's name was given up by an unnamed source, who said that he had personally injected Gandhi with steroids. Investigators also find it suspicious that in the last three months, Gandhi has gained over 240 pounds, all in muscle. However, Gandhi simply says that he used a protein shake.
If found guilty, Gandhi would likely be stripped of the Nobel Peace Prize he recently won. Gandhi inspired us all by miraculously recovering from a horrible day, and coming back to win the prestigious award. In this scenario, the Nobel Prize would go to the runner-up, Joseph Stalin, for his unselfish humanitarian acts.
Many in the sports community have offered their opinions on the subject. Barry Bonds had this to say: "Steroids are a disgrace to all athletes. Frankly, I think anyone who uses these supplements should be banned from all sports, and have to pay high fines. I cannot see why anyone would use steroids."
Roughly twenty other names were leaked in the scandal, including Paris Hilton and The Olsen Twins. World Anti-Doping Agency president Dick Pound immediately overreacted and tried to personally assassinate all indicated, but Gandhi stopped him using his anti-violence mind powers. In a statement sent to UnNews, Pound said "Screw all those damned cheaters!!! To Hell with them!!!(sic)"
As for now, Gandhi continues to deny taking any illicit substances. "This is an outrage," said Gandhi. "Just believe me, I have never taken steroids! If I were white, no one would be asking!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|