UnNews:Gaming Addict Killed at Own Computer, Doesn't Notice
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Gaming Addict Killed at Own Computer, Doesn't Notice
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 10, 2016, 13:02:UTC)(
2 March 2007
SANTA PAULA, CA-- A man named Winston Bush was found dead early Wednesday at his home in California. While at first the cause of death was thought to be suicide, an autopsy and forensic examination revealed that Bush had been shot in front of his computer by another person. Several suspects were brought in, the most notable being Bush's neighbors, Lindy and James Ng.
When questioned, Mr. and Mrs. Ng reportedly exhibited suspicious behavior. The chief interrogator cited their mannerisms as "unorthodox" and believes aborting further investigation of the couple would be "doubleplusungood". A few possible motives the Ngs may have had to commit murder include their anger at Bush's appropriation of their garden hose, or his repetitions of the Black Snake Moan CD soundtrack late at night.
Though not confirmed at this time, another neighbor of the late Winston Bush, claims to have been a witness to the murder. Frieda Schuhmann, 92, reports that she was woken by a sound "not unlike a Pistole firing gorily into a man's Brustkorb." She said she approached Bush's window and saw as Lindy Ng shot the man again in the chest. A 911 call log confirms that Ms. Schuhmann called the emergency number less than a minute after the time she claims to have seen the murder. However, because of her mental instability, compulsive shoplifting and sabotage Frieda is not believed to be a reliable witness by sheiße adolph hitler.
Another curiosity that has caught the attention of authorities relates to an odd forensic discovery. It appears that during an autopsy, pathologists found little damage on the body, excluding the ravaging caused by the gunshot wound. This evidence suggests that Bush put up no fight when confronted by his attacker. The man was even found laying on his bloodied keyboard, propounding the theory that he did not even get up, despite the fact that a shot in the chest meant he had plenty of time to see the antagonist.
Collaborating with the evidence above are Bush's recorded actions on Secondlife.com, an online virtual world site. A chat that occurred between Bush and another user around the time of his death is as follows:
(2:09 am) <bush_kicks_ass> [Winston Bush] lol man thats wickid ill
(2:09 am) <hitthat_faster2> srsly worth getting it from ann l8er
(2:10 am- time of first gunshot) <hitthat_faster2> u there man?
(2:11 am) <bush_kicks_ass> yeahj;
(2:11 am) <hitthat_faster2> wut?
(2:11 am) <bush_kicks_ass> oh its nothing. sry
(2:12 am- time of second and last gunshot) <bush_kicks_ass> ;;;;;;dfnjk/.,gbbbbb
(2:13 am) <hitthat_faster2> WTF?
This evidence, though still inconclusive, has prompted concern among several groups, mainly parents and friends of gamers. A few bloggers have even reported that interventions on "gaming addicts" have already been performed. It is believed that the prime reason these few interventions have occurred is because of the worry that another "unnoticed murder" may be committed. Cher Lottee of Danville, Virginia had this to say: "My son Clark plays at his X-cube [sic] all the damn day. I know he's got some mean bullies at school- I don't want him to just sit there and be killed!" Added Clifton, Cher's husband, "Naw, boy got to fight like his uncle Paul; we'll give him a funeral then. With cloths and everything."
A small number of organizations have spoken out about the murder as well. For example, Spouses Against Everquest, an online group, has preliminary plans for several PSAs and billboards warning people about the growing presumption of video game danger. One early idea for a billboard depicted
that silly picture of the guy hitting his head on the keyboard that you see everywhere an original image of a bloody, emaciated corpse hunched over a computer keyboard.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|