UnNews:Galactic News HQ announcement: Thousand years of 'Obama Darkness' finally over
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Galactic News HQ announcement: Thousand years of 'Obama Darkness' finally over
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 30, 2016, 03:32:UTC)(
4 September 2012
GALACTIC NEWS HQ, Sector J, Alpha Quadrant S-Date 0514297.056 -- The so-called "Obama Darkness", the result of the second millenial age election of socialist Barack H. Obama, is finally over. One thousand years ago today, on what was then called November 6, 2012 (S-date 0513297.056), the universe was plunged into the millenium of darkness that it has been engulfed in since that moment. But this morning a great brightness shone throughout the Alpha quadrant as the hidden light of freedom and truth was finally unveiled.
As predicted by the prophet Gena Norris, the thousand years of persistant darkness descended upon mankind as a result of like-minded, freedom-loving citizens of the ancient empire called "America" (currently the Pan-Terra galactic waste management site on Sol-3) failing to leave the comfort of their "living rooms" and unite with her and her husband Chuck - of whom it was said that the Lord petitions him with prayer - in preventing the election of Mr. Obama.
Because these thirty million (give or take) like-minded but apparently difficult to motivate citizens, called "the religious right", failed to join the Norrises, Obama was elected and the thousand years of darkness was ushered in. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse proceded to devastate the beautiful land upon which God had shed his grace, the moon turned into blood, and the rest is history.
Galaxy residents, released from their wandering about in abject darkness and woe, are encouraged to resume their pre-darkness ancestor's hopes, dreams and ideals, as the spectre of "socialism, or much worse" (in Mr. Norris' own words), has finally lifted.
- Chuck and Gena Norris "The fulfilled prophecy of doom - an eery ancient record of how freedom was ultimately lost". MSN, September 4, 2012 (S-Date 0153296.985)