UnNews:Galactic Empire raises terror alert level to orange
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Galactic Empire raises terror alert level to orange
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, April 23, 2017, 16:03:UTC)(
2 February 2008
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While Empire officials insist the decision to elevate the alert level is merely a precaution, galactic political analysts are not so sure. Many have pointed out that the significance of the death of known Rebel associate Obi-Wan Kenobi has been severely overplayed by the Empire's press liaisons. "Kenobi was nothing but an old man with a light-up sword and detailed knowledge of the inner engineering schematics and tractor beam mechanics of the Empire's headquarters," said one such analyst. "The fact the the Empire is drawing so much attention to this minor player's demise is alarming, and may suggest that the Empire is scrambling to keep terrorist activity quelled." Such obvious treason by critics of the Empire has been dealt with swiftly, and any detractors of the invincible Galactic political machine have been detained indefinitely.
In an official statement, Grand Moff Tarkin, who was recently promoted from Minor Moff, expressed confidence in the Empire's ability to deal with the "rebel scum." He seemed confident and powerful until a reporter asked him to comment on rumors circulating that detailed blueprints of the Death Star may have been obtained by the Rebel forces and stored on a droid resembling a garbage can. At this point he became agitated, insisting that the Rebel Alliance was not a threat to the Empire, and that "those guys look like dorks." Tarkin finally vowed immediate victory against the Rebels, promising to crush them with one swift stroke. "The rebels are not a major concern of our Homespace Security Department. We have several leads on their location, and are engaged in aggressive measures, rather than preventative ones. " At press time, the Empire's fleet was embarking to the suspected Rebel Headquarters on Yavin, and rent on high-end condos in the Death Star has dropped to an all-time low.
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