UnNews:Galactic Coolness Board Declares Earth "Coolest Planet" for 20th Consecutive Year
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Galactic Coolness Board Declares Earth "Coolest Planet" for 20th Consecutive Year
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016, 06:03:UTC)(
OMEGA PRIME, THE ALPHA GALAXY - A consortium of sentient beings from various reaches of the universe released their decision for the prestigious "Coolest Planet of the Year" award, and, to no one's surprise, Earth retains the title as it had since 1985.
Toe Jam, the representative from Funkatron declared, "There ain't no one else, baby. Earth's got it all. Happenin' parties to get your funk on and be thusly funked, and an exorbitant BDU (Being to Drug Use) ratio." His partner, Earl, added, "Yea [, Toe Jam. The Earth is the fucking coolest, ain't no doubt. I gots no idea why we wuz trying to escape in the first place.]"
Although known amongst the galaxies for its severe deficiencies in the sciences (having barely explored the reaches of space), Earth has a "funky fresh style all its own," with its constant alcohol consumption, hat-cocking, and collar-popping.
"Sure, Earth may not be the brightest planet, but I definitely want to party with those dudes. Whooooo!!!" said Alf, another judge on the GCB. "I mean, when we're talking about Earth's competition, such planets as Nerdulon 5, there's no comparison. The Nerds are the type of people Earthlings would shove into a locker in high school, and not think twice about."
"Why do those freaking nerds have to be so uptight?!" one drunken frat boy asked, "It's all about fun, that's all it is."
"NERRRDDDDSSS!!!!!!" another frat boy angrily screamed.
"Zo Earthlings have dezperately tvied to advance zeir scienific and philosophical knowledge, gveat contributors like Nietzsche and Einstein ver eventually subdued and vent to the brink of insanity due to tvaumatic childhood experiences involving 'Swirlies', 'Melvins', and ze dreaded 'Rear Admiral', at the, oops, forgot my accent there, at ze hands of ze ruling jockocracy," commented intergalactic historian Hans Schmenkengruber. Afterwards, he had his oversize glasses broken and was administered a "purple nurple" by the Jocks of the Alpha-Beta planet.
One analyst also commented: "Their Grand Narrative appears to be participating in the act of reproduction for the sake of intangible fringe benefits. AWESOME!!!!"
Another responded, "Yes, but do they really know what they are doing?"
He was quickly ignored.