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3 March 2011
TRIPOLI, Libya -- In another of the Gadhafi's rambling, run-on, superfluous, scattered, random, redundant and redundant speeches, the Libyan dictator blamed his country's unrest on numerous factors, including Al-Qaeda, Osama bin Laden, Israeli undercover agents, Starbucks, hallucinogens, global warming, the Spanish Inquisition, Decepticons, and the New England Patriots.
"Fuck you all, you all suck," Gadhafi said matter-of-factly after reciting his list of perpetrators at the start of his speech, adding, "Oh, and Daffy Duck for taking over the place where my head usually is, right when that guy took a photo of me. Oh, and Steve Jobs; he owes me twenty bucks. Charlie Sheen for trying to take my limelight..."
Half an hour later, after ranting about how his invitation to the Royal Wedding hadn't arrived yet and how much he detested walnuts, Gadhafi ordered the confiscation of all drugs that can be diluted in water and/or coffee, saying, "These intoxicants are highly addicting and fast acting, and the 6-foot tall jackrabbit keeps telling me I need them or she'll stop singing me to sleep at night. They are a disservice to the nation of Libya and DAMN IT I NEED -" the canned applause, however, drowned out any further words.
Experts cite Gadhafi's apparent addiction to the intoxicants as a cause for his delusional insistence that people still like him, saying that the drugs might have created a "schizophrenic event of massive proportions" that have made him "imagine into existence a country full of dedicated supporters." While it is just a matter of time before the few associates he has left leave him, realizing he's nothing more than a drug-crazed man with despotic powers, psychologists worry what will happen if Gadhafi were to suddenly lose his friends or his drugs. "Eliminating his support network or cutting off the supply of drugs that keeps him jaded might result in catastrophic results," they warn. "He would most likely fall into a pit of depression and lash out, perhaps even violently, at anyone he interacts with. And we wouldn't want that."