UnNews:GOP warns against government tentacles entering every facet of our lives, anime girls vaginas
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21 March 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a recent electoral debate, Republican representatives warned that allowing the Obama health care reform to pass would allow "government tentacles to enter every facet in our lives," including the vaginas of young and sexy anime girls. "Make no mistake, this government is looking for the ability to control us and our children's future for their own sinister purposes," Rep. Michele Bachmann warned. "They will control what we do, where we go, and whether our anatomically warped purple-haired Japanese daughters get raped on the street on the way to school," The other Republican representatives agreed with Bachmann, and her statement was met with thunderous applause by the right-wing faction of the audience.
Her opponent in the debate, Democratic Rep. Barney Frank stated these claims were outrageous, although they would be exciting if true. "Our government has only the interests of the unemployed and the lower lower class at heart. The idea that we would stop to think about middle class anime girls for a second is outrageous in the extreme. I am also quite angry about the implication that the government is a disgusting tentacle demon from the hell holes of Japan. Government isn't people--It's better than people," he said in rebuttal.
Experts in the fields of ancient tentacle demons have stated that Bachmann has shown unprecedented insight with her comment. "There is no doubt that this government is merely a cthulhian tentacle ridden octopus monster bent on raping our daughters who dress in skimpy schoolgirl outfits, as the evidence has been clear from the start. After all, the introduction of this health care reform bill could just be the start to lure our children into beds away from their doctors. After that, who knows what sort of demons could come out of the hospital vent system and ignore the young girls cry for mercy in a disturbingly sensual way? I think this is worth investigation," said an expert, masturbating to the very idea all the while. After he had cleaned up he apologized to his roommates for landing semen into their beer and traveled to the toilet where loud sobs of despair could be heard.
President Obama released a press statement today claiming that he had no intention of furthering a government tentacle agenda. "I assure my country today that our daughters are safe from horny demons from the netherworld," he said, "although I cannot confirm they will be safe from government semen landing on them from great distances away."
Japanese officials declined comment.