UnNews:GOP wants "Constitution-free zones"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

12 January 2011

Jesse Jackson Jr

And you thought it took Democrats (pictured) to come up with stuff this stupid.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rep. Peter King (R-NY) proposed legislation to ban citizens from carrying guns within 1000 feet--of him.

The proposal, which would actually apply to all Congressmen, was prompted by the gruesome gun massacre in Arizona which killed six people and wounded Rep. Gabrielle Giffords. And, for the record, the new Republican House of Reprehensibles spent exactly 2 hours in session--achieving during that time only a mastery of some of the long words during a full reading of the U.S. Constitution--before it forgot about repealing Obama-care, cutting government, and paying off the debt, and turned to cheap stunts to react to headlines.

Critics said that young whack job Jared Lee Loughner probably would have violated the proposal if it had been law, given that he also tried to kill a Congresswoman, and there was already a law against that.

As laws must obey the Constitution, one would think the right to "keep and bear arms" could not be overturned by a mere law. But Rep. King waved off these concerns. "We apply the same standard to schools," he said. Indeed, there is a 1000-foot gun-free zone around each school. But when the town decides to build a new school down the road, proud Americans are still free to choose between giving up their gun and giving up their home.

A more serious problem, according to opportunists in the wake of Rep. Giffords' wounding, is the uncouth political speech in the country. Partisans point out that everyone from Sarah Palin to The Daily Kos marked Rep. Giffords' district with a bull's eye. Rep. Giffords' last opponent, a Tea Party candidate, chose a slogan to endear himself to hunters: "Let's 'Drop' Her!" Democratic Congressmen have proposed a new "Fairness Doctrine" to control the tone of voice used in campaigns--using the same Commission that so successfully held down cable-TV rates.

Speaker John Boehner, however, quickly devised a compromise. "Let's let law-abiding Americans keep their guns. Instead, let's pass legislation that simply prohibits free speech within 1000 feet of a Congressman."

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects