GOP to public: "We're dropping all pretenses. Now is the era of darkness."
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 19, 2018, 05:09:UTC)(
9 October 2009
GOP Chairman Michael Steele made the announcement in front of a large gathering of Republicans, further stating, "We are tired of hearing the same things over and over again: 'Save the environment! Save the children! World peace!' We Republicans have not been clear enough in the past that we stand strictly against moral values and today we are making it official."
The move came as a surprise to Democrats. "We already knew they didn't really want anything good for the world, but we just never expected them to come out and say it," stated DNC Chairman Tim Kaine, "We're not going to say 'we told you so' to the American people, but it's good to finally have everything out in the open."
The 'Era of Darkness' campaign promised by Steele is, according to the Chairman, "Similar to the Contract With America deal, except more outright and far-reaching than anything we've ever done before."
The document, signed by several prominent members of the Republican Party immediately following the announcement, promised a higher infant mortality rate, a lower life expectancy, a lower standard of living and "a darkness hanging o'er the land for one thousand years." It further goes on to include initiatives about destroying all facilities of higher education, scientific research and medical care, and instead allocating all government funding for those areas to the Disney Corporation.
Disney CEO Bob Igerwelcomed the proposal, who spoke on the campaign's behalf immediately following Steeles speech, unveiling a new Jonas Brother's CD and promising to the crowd, "There's a whole lot more where this came from!"
The event was capped with the slaying of a goat and an open prayer to Satan.