UnNews:GOP lines up behind Blue Dress

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21 May 2014

Lewinsky dress

The candidate, "tanned, rested, and ready," hardly even needs a corsage.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Confident Republican Party officials have unofficially confirmed that Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress will run against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 U.S. Presidential Elections.

In what is seen as a "master" (or mistress) stroke by Republican strategists, the picture of Democratic Party front-runner Hillary Clinton debating important issues of the day with a dress is said to guarantee "a truckload of votes" for the Republicans. In the absence of any other viable candidate from the GOP, the dress that Monica was wearing while servicing former U.S. President Bill Clinton will surely have that family wincing all the way back to Little Rock.

Karl Rove, who retired as a Fox News commentator in favor of the more accurate Ouija board, called the move "a great plan" and promised to back the Dress against any other Republican presidential contender, except Jeb Bush, Sophia Bush and Kate Bush.

"Can you imagine Hillary's face when she is faced by an empty dress worn by the woman who gave her husband more satisfaction in two minutes compared to the twenty years she had with Bill?", said Rove. "Remember how many votes we got when Clint Eastwood scolded an empty chair? It will be a landslide for the dress."

The candidacy of the Dress is not without risks. Democrats, now trying to discredit a Congressional investigation of "Benghazi-gate," will surely use the same tack and claim that the Dress is "old news." They have had past success claiming that Republicans have nominated an "empty suit."

If the Republicans nominate the Dress, the position of running mate will be important to balance the ticket. A pair of Ronald Reagan's pants is the leading candidate in that field.

"We have an extensive wardrobe of talent," added Senator Ron Paul.

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