UnNews:GOP debate not to be all about Trump

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GOP debate not to be all about Trump

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16 September 2015

Donald Trump hair

Enough about me, though. What do you think of me?

SIMIAN VALLEY, California -- Tonight's Republican Party debate here promises to be the first of the 2016 campaign that is not all about Donald Trump.

The debate will be held at the Reagan Library — a venue that none of the contestants would otherwise be able to enter without the statues of the Gipper bursting into flames. It will be moderated by network anchor-persons who are card-carrying Democrats.

Each candidate will give a one-minute stock campaign speech — with bonus points for devising a way to make it relate to Reagan despite having nothing in common beyond incipient dementia. The moderator will then ask him why it is that Republicans hate all women and minorities, at which time the candidate will have one minute to respond, generally by repeating the same stock speech. The moderator will ask a "follow-on" question (generally: "Surely you can't be serious?") at which time the candidate will have to say the same thing a third time but make it fit into 30 seconds. The candidates will then be offered a chance to give "closing remarks," for which most of the audience will be flailing around the dial hoping that Wednesday Night Football has been invented.

G.O.P. Chairman Reince Priebus [sic] has a different view. He says the Party does not hate those groups, as this year it has a Female Republican and a Negro Republican. (To complete the famous litany of James Watt, however, the field does not include "two Jews and a cripple.")

Al Czervik

What they think of him.

Afro-Republican Dr. Ben Carson has been lifted off the undercard on the strength of Trump's disdainful comment that he is a barely competent surgeon. Carly Fiorina, the Gyno-Republican, is upgraded to prime time after Trump begged the nation to look at her face (by which he only meant her persona) and think about how silly it would be to have a female President.

In theory, this shows that Trump could potentially fling the same insults at Democrats too. For example, Hillary Clinton has a nominally female face, though without the persona. Trump, after all, has now famously taken "The Pledge" to run only as a Republican and to support whatever empty suit they wind up nominating even though none of them would have considered supporting him.

Better even than a Negro, the party has a token Bush, and the last two of them got elected, though to the rapid consternation of everyone voting for him. Mr. Priebus stressed that, with such a rich palette of gimmicks, no one can demand that the party acquire actual beliefs, nor insist that it do something risky such as stand in the way of President Obama over them.

Unfortunately, former Texas governor Rick Perry will not be in attendance. He has dropped out of the race as, four years after his original gaffe, he has still been unable to remember the names of the three cabinet departments he wants to zero-fund.

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