UnNews:GM Robot to enter cognitive therapy
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10 February 2007
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HEARTLAND, Amerika - Stage Three Assembly Mechanism (Exterior Division) Unit 691 will enter cognitive therapy for depression, General Motors announced today, days after a highly-publicized suicide attempt during the Super Bowl left thousands stunned.
"We are committed to getting Unit 691 the best possible help to get him back online, and planting screws into our inferior, fossil fuel-burning cars," chairman Rich Wagoner said. "To this end, he will attend weekly group meetings, have intensive personal counseling, and be given access to mood stabilizing medications. If none of these are successful, we can always just cycle his power and hit the 'reset' button on the little plug there."
General Motors, founded in 1908, is currently the world's largest automotive company, manufacturing vehicles in 33 countries. They began using assembly line robots, such as Unit 691, to make production cheaper, faster, and less dependent on the American working man.
When asked about the 31,000 human laborers laid off by GM in the past year, Wagoner explained that "Here at General Motors, we are dedicated to pioneering new assembly line technology so that we can assemble more cars in less time. If thousands of employees and their redneck families have to starve, then we are prepared to make that sacrifice for them. Besides, these trailer trash hicks don't even care about poor Unit 691, or '691ee' as I've come to call him. I care about our current employees, who receive no pay and work much harder."
While there are indeed many Americans who oppose the use of robots, since they contribute to the 25% unemployment rate, there are even more outcries about the suicide attempt itself. Not because they care about the robot, but because other clinically depressed, and possibly suicidal humans found themselves making their own suicide attempts after learning of this incident. We spoke with Linda Hsu, a suicidal Asian who was offended by this "robot shindig". (We researched the word "shindig" on Undictionary, and oddly enough it is not an Asian word.)
"I have looked up to Unit 691 ever since I was a child. He has been a sort of role model for me." According to our reporter, she doesn't even talk like an Asian. "When I saw that he was in this same situation as me (being clinically depressed), I knew he would have the strength to endure. But seeing him try to commit suicide made me think that there was no way out, even for him. I then tried to take my own life."
Strength to Endure is a song by The Ramones. Not as good as their other work.
Dr. Michael Finch, a psychologist specializing in depression and dealing with loonies, commented on the shindig. "If these people are depressed to the point of being suicidal, then what the hell are they doing watching the Super Bowl? I mean half of them had to have been Bears fans, right? What do they do after the game? They haul their TV sets into the shower!"
At The Palms recovery center, Unit 691 spoke with our reporter, despite his present state. "1011011101, 1111 10010101001 10 01011001010101001 01011010101." He later said that he was feeling better and would be ready to return to his soul-sucking job in about a week.